By Fred C. Rochester. Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved.
The mistress. The other woman. The pastor’s wife is the last person to get any help. The fallen leader gets help. My God, even the mistress gets help, but who extends any help to the wife of a fallen pastor?
It is the betrayal of a wife that many people do not hear about. The pain. The anguish. The embarrassment. The disgraceful act of a husband that tread under his foot his wife, whom he claims to love, honor, and cherish.
Every wife that’s ever been betrayed goes through the cycle of questions.
Why did he do the unthinkable? What is wrong with me? What did he see in her that is not in me? What is going to happen to me and the children (if any)? How am I going to cope with the fear of losing my husband? How did I allow this? Where are you, God? Is there any hope for me? Am I going to divorce him or forgive him and try to patch things up?
I need to be healed. He gets “ministered to” but who will come and minister to me? Who could I confide with to help me get through this pain? Do I move out or do I stay? Do I make him leave?
This is the world of a wife that is searching for answers because her world has been disheveled.
AM I TO BLAME FOR HIS INFIDELITY?
It is easy to answer this question.
Your husband’s Secret Sexual Sins and his lust is to blame.
Granted, couples have arguments and disagreements in the marriage. What couple doesn’t? To blame yourself for your husband’s inability to remain true to you is not healthy. Infidelity is predominantly a lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes sin in the heart and mind of your husband.
We’ll elaborate more on this part later, but to answer the question, you are not to blame.
WHO COULD I GO TO THAT CAN GIVE ME THE KIND OF HELP I NEED?
Many churches do not offer the kind of help that wives need. This is sad because the wife needs a strong support group to get through the moments of pain, loneliness, and betrayal. This is not just limited to pastor’s wives. This is inclusive of all the wives that may experience betrayal.
This is a church-wide issue that is increasing as the days go by. We have yet to address sexual immorality in the church on a national level because we are fearful of the repercussions and ripple affects it would have in the church.
The first thing that must happen is that the betrayed wife must find a friend to confide in. She need to share her broken heart with a person that is firm but also compassionate. It is important because her self esteem is destroyed.
BUILDING UP HER SELF ESTEEM
In the Lord and His Word is all you need to build you up. The Lord and His Word reassures you of His genuine love for you. The Lord and His Word reaffirms you as the one He loves. The Lord and His Word revives your depressed spirit and soul. The Lord and His Word knows how to restore you to a place in Him that the devil, momentarily, took you away from.
The Lord knows that you are going through a very stressful time in your life, but He is right there to see you through the darkest moment of your life.
Your husband may have betrayed you, but the Lord will “never leave you nor forsake you.” Therefore, you must commit to shed your tears and receive His love. Cry to Him and He will heal you. Raise your voice to Him, but raise your voice to praise Him for who He is.
Your God and King.
Find some saints to pray with you. Saints that you trust. No gossipers. Stay away from the trouble crowd of women that only seek to do more harm than good. They may be well intentioned but they aren’t. They do not have your best interest in mind. Your best interest is to help you get through the moments. Everyone doesn’t need to watch your heart bleed because they will just stand there and watch you bleed.
In making decisions, it is important to understand that rash decisions only exasperate the situation. Emotional stability is essential. However, in understanding that a traumatic event invaded your peace and sanctity, you want to be around family and close friends.
Additionally, you should have someone that you confide with. A close confidant should help you to make critically sound decisions that will affect your immediate and future needs.
Sometimes the emotional state of the wife can operate in an “I am justified” mode and decide to commit adultery herself. This is not healthy and it must be addressed. Sometimes, this kind of response is done out of anger in the wife.
Granted, the wife has a right to be angry, but Paul admonishes us to “be angry but do not sin.” Ephesians 4:26
TO FORGIVE OR NOT TO FORGIVE
It is very easy to be so angry that forgiveness is not even considered. The pain is there but even God is angry and in pain too. Sometimes, in the midst of our own anger, we forget how God is affected. He grieves just like we do or vice versa. We grieve like Him but He still has room in His heart to forgive once we admit our sin.
You may not be ready right now to forgive and God knows that. However, we are still obligated to forgive and let it go. Remember, in the Garden of Eden or Pleasure, the Lord was betrayed. The Lord was angry and meted out punishment. However, He appeased His holiness and subsided His anger by shedding blood and covering Adam and Eve with coats of skin.
He also set into motion the redemption of man.
Because He loved us.
Your love for your husband is never optional because God’s love is never optional. His love for us is without condition. In the same manner, we are to love unconditionally.
Your husband did the worst thing in the world to secretly betray you and to openly betray you. Yet, we will be compelled or constrained by the love of God to forgive and let it go.
You will never forget it, but you will get to the point where the Holy Spirit will lead you to let the bitterness, anger, wrath, and sadness of the initial moment go, just to forgive him. Whether you choose to be with your husband or not, forgiveness is the one expression that makes God a loving God.
Again, your anger is justified, and you may not be ready right now to forgive, but you will get to that point. When you do, the grace to forgive will be there and you will have a sense of relief that despite your pain, you pleased God.
You will never get over the moment, but by God’s grace, He will help you through the moment. It includes forgiving the mistress.
YOUR HUSBAND’S LUST PROBLEM
Very rarely will affairs have no connection to a man’s porn and self gratification issue.
No one watches porn without releasing sexual tension.
An affair is a manifestation of his fantasy. Almost every affair will be traced to his Secret Sexual Sins of porn and masturbation.
Just because an affair took place, it doesn’t mean that the Lord or His Word changed. In the blame game, sometimes God is unfairly blamed because the devil makes it appear that God was sleeping on the job. The reason why I am mentioning this is that sometimes when an adulterous affair takes place, the Person that we need to go to is the Lord and His Word.
To run from Him or to blame Him is done out of anger but God gives you the right to be angry, but you need to be angry at the person that opened the door for this to happen.
The devil and your husband.
Your husband was already walking in sin.
The scandal before the scandal is what it’s called.
If he has a wandering eye. If he watches porn and gratifies himself (masturbation), then he has a Secret Sexual Sin problem that needs attention.
His cheating heart was already searching for flesh to have. He just needed to be pushed over the edge. Not by you but by his own reasoning.
The scandal behind the scandal is level one sex addiction.
1. Thoughts and or fantasy.
2. Porn and self gratification, commonly called masturbation.
3. Adultery, prostitution, and affairs.
Step three is just the manifestation of a perverted heart.
When it comes to this level of sex addition, there is always a form of secrecy. As long as you do not know about what your husband does, he will continue to push the envelope.
When he says that he would not cross a certain line, it is just a matter of time before he will.
The line to cross is from fantasy to reality. If he stopped having sex with you, chances are he is having sex with himself and then he will cross the line into adultery, prostitution and affairs. According to the Lord Jesus, if he looks at a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery in his heart (see Matthew 5:27-28).
Adultery is an affair, however, fornication may involve adultery because the husband is married and the female that he is sexually involved with may not be married.
WHAT IS MY HUSBAND REALLY SEEING WHILE WATCHING PORN?
The one thing about porn is that it is designed to destroy wives. Unbeknownst to many people, the female porn performers do not like nor do they enjoy what they do. It is a known fact that many women that do porn for the first time leave after one shoot. It is a known fact that drugs and alcohol is on the set for the women so that they can get through the sexual abuse they are about to endure.
Let alone the fear of contracting HIV/AIDS and STDs.
The men are very abusive. In most scenes, it’s border line rape.
If they do not perform certain acts, they get paid less or don’t get paid at all.
Prostitutes, porn stars, strip joints, brothels, human trafficking, and massage parlors. It is a combination that reveals a “seamless fabric” of sexual immorality embedded in churches and society. In other words, though these activities are distinguished, they are interwoven.
Porn stars will tell you that the best money is in prostitution. Porn stars work a flat rate fee on production sites for 16+ hours of sin. Your husband is watching someone’s daughter, mother, sister, cousin, aunt, grandmother, and mother in law get raped or get a death sentence of HIV/AIDS or STDs.
The reason why I am taking this time to explain is because you cannot sit there and blame yourself for your husband’s infidelity. What they see in the mistress or the women in porn is a figment of their imagination. In the world of fantasy or false sex, porn is a perverted portrayal packaged to subliminally indoctrinate males that this is what they want. It is false pretense and very deceiving to the man.
Porn is never about love. Porn is only about lust.
There will never be any satisfaction achieved because a man will never be satisfied (see Proverbs 27:20). He will never get to the carrot in the stick. His lust for that which is forbidden will only drive him to places where he assumes he will be satisfied.
True satisfaction is only found in Jesus.
Porn portrayed to your husband that you are inadequate in the bedroom and you are no longer beautiful. The devil is a liar. Porn portrays perfect women having or giving a male perfect sex. Complete male dominance and woman degradation is the perverted perception that drives men to want more and more.
A man will have thousands of images and will never be satisfied with one image. That’s why if he were to destroy just one porn film or delete one porn show, you better check again. He has millions of images stashed on DVDs, hard drives, tapes, or any electronic device capable of storing large quantities of porn.
Yes, it’s that serious.
Because of pasts scandals, we have been conditioned to accept this behavior as a normal part of church life. Far be it from the truth. We need to address this issue on a national level if we are going to defeat sexual immorality in the church.
After the dust has settled, there is some tremendous books to help you understand what you are going through. I mentioned the stuff about porn because people do not realize how much of a negative affect it has on the marriage relationship.
Unfortunately, this is what goes on every day. Sadly, many couples join in watching porn and claim that it has no effects. Sooner or later, it will. It is just a matter of time. Porn never spices up a sex relationship. It ultimately destroys it.
Also, the person you confide with should be aware that where there is an addiction to sex in a man, there may be hidden “cross addictions” in another area.
It is not unusual for wives to harbor sexual addictions too.
What am I saying?
Sometimes a wife could harbor a “get back” at him mentality. If he committed adultery, the wife may feel that she is entitled to do the same. This is not the way to handle the situation. Responding in kind only opens the door to more trouble.
Just remember, as a wife, you are still valued by the Lord. Do not blame yourself.
Don’t allow the devil to lie to you. Do not accept one lie from the devil or from man.
Do not lie to yourself.
Just remember, you are still the apple of His eye.