This scenario is happening all across America.
There’s certain signals that sound off loud and clear that your husband, who happens to be a pastor, is watching porn. Your church is growing but there is something that isn’t right. Or your church is not growing and you can’t seem to put your finger on it.
In either case, church growth is not the goal of pastors. We plant, we water, God gives the increase.
But your marriage is suffering tremendous strain and you can’t seem to find a reason. Or you might know the reason but you refuse to address it to keep peace in the house.
Denial can be potentially deadly to a marriage.
Silence, to your husband, is considered permission. As long as he is not confronted, he has a false sense of security.
Are you a peacekeeper or a peacemaker?
As a wife, you are living right and you are maintaining your purity before God but lately, your husband has abandoned purity and holiness. His intensity to pray and to preach the Word has suffered, and you can tell the difference. The fire for God in his life is gone.
He “fakes” his way through each service. At the beginning of the ministry, he was all out and ready to do the work of the ministry. All of a sudden, it seems like water on wood. No fire.
Missing from his preaching are messages on holiness and purity. If he fails to preach against sin, there’s an excellent chance he is in Secret Sexual Sins.
What is happening?
89% of porn comes from the United States. In particular, Internet porn is the most widely used venue where anyone at any time can watch porn. No one watches porn and not act out sexually in masturbation, prostitutes, or a mistress.
A mistress is too late.
The root of the problem is found in porn and masturbation.
The secret sex life of any man is found in these two places.
As a wife, here are some signals that indicate a Secret Sexual Sins issue.
1. You’ve had no intimacy in more than a week.
He is home regularly. His hours hasn’t changed. The time that you go to bed hasn’t changed. There aren’t any known medical conditions. It’s time to ask the tough questions.
Is he seeking God? Is he fasting and did he ask for this time to be with God? If the answer is no, then……what’s up.
One of the things about porn is the “adrenaline of secrecy.”
Even though a man readily admits to watching women and watching porn, the power of not being caught and the ability to deceive the mind into thinking that he could get away with it is part of the fuel of adrenaline. That’s why Secret Sexual Sins is a very powerful revelation. It’s the secret world of sex in the mind of a powerful mand of Gawd that believes he could get away with it.
But with the Lord, no one gets away with it.
Psalm 139:11-12 says “If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me; Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike to You.”
Psalm 90:8 says, “You have set our iniquities before You, Our secret sins in the light of Your countenance.”
Just like David, what David did in secret, God will lay it bare for all to see in the noonday sun.
However, you need to get to the bottom of it.
Perhaps God will spare the humiliation because of a lack of humility.
2. You caught his eyes “wondering.”
The one place where you will know where a man’s heart is is in his eyes.
Proverbs 27:20 says, “Hell and destruction is never full, so the eyes of a man are never satisfied.”
Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
If he is watching women in the street and in the church where he is preaching, there is a serious lust problem. Sometimes a man does it deliberately because he is making a statement. He wants to have what he saw sexually. This sin of sight adultery is a problem too. Sometimes women deliberately wear certain eye catching items, showing cleavage and legs, as well as body hugging dresses like they are going to the club. Some of them are emotionally unstable women that is looking to make a move.
They attend church and strategically sit in proximity to be seen. Many people will say that this is just another attack on women. Well, my question to you is, have you looked at what they wore to church? And have you ever asked them whether or not they are attracted to a married pastor? If you haven’t asked them that question, I strongly urge you to.
Men and women come to church for the wrong reason. And it is true that not every man or woman has sex on their minds but take a good look at the door and you will see that the hunt is on.
3. Your husband stays up to watch TV well past bedtime.
This is the one thing that you need to pay attention to because it’s a dead giveaway.
He may not be watching porn but he may be watching shows that preview substitute porn.
The agenda of the late shows has been pushing porn on network television. NYPD Blue and other shows showcased soft porn at 10PM to take things to the next level. Outright porn on national TV. The FCC ordered ABC to cease and we were sort of spared the indecency. But now with Internet porn, your husband has his personal devices and he doesn’t need network TV.
Discretely, he could watch all the porn he wants.
4. For some reason, he hates you.
The object of porn is to despise and dispose the wife. Porn has been responsible for the destruction of 57 percent of marriages.
Everything that you do is ridiculed, despised, and his utter contempt for you is expressed in arguments that are completely irrational, baseless, and reconcilable. He picks on everything you do. He doesn’t say much to appreciate you. He depreciates you because porn is perfect and in his mind, you are not. Porn is perfect sex, perfect faces, perfect proportioned bodies. In that arena, no wife has a chance.
The low self esteem is intended to destroy you. That’s the way the devil works in the minds of men. To help destroy you. Especially if you are a praying, Word woman. If he constantly lashes out at you but you see him be nice to other women, it is a dead giveaway.
5. You catch him masturbating in bed when he thought you were asleep.
This is common. He loves to think that he could get a little extracurricular sexual play with himself while he thinks that you are asleep, but you caught him. But you do not say anything, you just know that he is doing something that he shouldn’t be doing. You play like you were still asleep, but you know what’s up. You must understand that this behavior is lusts of the flesh, lusts of the eyes, and the pride of life operating in him.
Jesus rose a great while before day to pray. I honestly believe that the Lord Jesus got up for a reason to pray. Men are tempted sexually late at night and early in the morning. A man is aroused the most during the set times. Because of his lack of discipline, he will engage in Secret Sexual Sins to relieve sexual tension. But why doesn’t he engage with his wife?
How do you resolve these issues with a man that seemingly has the call of God on his life but treats you like trash?
Prayer and much prayer.
God knows how to get to his hardened heart. But you have to be patient. Most men will not admit that they have a sex sin problem. The one thing that he counts on is his ability to think that he can’t get caught. But the Lord caught him before time began and it is a matter of time before he is exposed. His deception is on thin ice. The exposure is not just to humiliate him but to help him. Because he believes that he wasn’t caught, he continues on like as if nothing is going to go wrong.
This is where sometimes, he gets caught.
Just be patient. God will not be mocked.