November 2008 was the last time I watched porn and masturbated to porn. Being a hypocrite caught up to me as the Lord warned me on the last day to “Come Clean! Or Be Exposed!”
Psalm 90:8 says, “You have set our iniquities before You, our secret sins in the light of Your countenance.”
2 Chronicles 16:9a says “The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth…”
Hebrews 10:31 tells us “It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”
Of course this verse speaks about when the Lord issues vengeance but if you’re in the crosshairs of being judged by God, it ought to be just as fearful.
Q: What made you want to watch porn?
A: Around 1998, we had Directv installed. At this point I knew that the temptations were there but at that time, I purposed in my heart (deceiving myself) that I wouldn’t watch porn. PPV porn was already on cable but we never got cable. Instead, I opted for satellite.
When you are channel surfing, you will come across salacious titles.
On the 100 channels, PPV soft porn would be on these channels. And that’s where it started. But it really didn’t start there. The seeds for porn were deposited in my heart as a little kid. Underneath the seat of my father’s car would be a book on sexual positions. It was there that the seed was deposited. My next exposure would be the movie houses on 42nd Street in Manhattan during the 70’s, which were notorious for pornography in almost every movie house.
Before the main movie, they would show pornography. As a kid, we didn’t have money to go to the movies every week. At that time, I had only been to the movies as a kid no more than 2 times. My parents didn’t like for me to travel because growing up in NYC, it was very dangerous.
Then a few friends of mine would ask if I wanted to go to a friend’s house to see movies. I went and there was nothing but porn. Planted in my heart and mind would be pornography. Therefore, it was very easy to “cross the line” and order PPV porn.
Then when Directv came, it made it easier for me to access porn discretely, or so I thought.
For 10 years, I would watch porn.
Q: Were you ever caught when you watched porn?
A: During one night, as I was watching porn in the bedroom, it would be then that my wife knew that something was going on. She turned over and caught me and that’s when I realized that I had a problem. A caught in Secret Sexual Sin problem. We call sin “a problem” to minimize the fact that it is sin. But when it comes to being caught, the Lord caught you before time began. Sin had found me out a long time ago.
Few of us remember that to be caught by physical eyes is one thing, so we try to hide ourselves from being caught by other people, but God caught us before we were caught by other people.
There comes a point where a man doesn’t care about being caught. All he cares about is fulfilling his sexual needs. It wasn’t about anything else. There is only one goal to achieve. Fulfilling the lust of the flesh. The risks of being caught was part of the territory.
Q: What did you do after you were caught by your wife?
A: I did what most men do not do. I admitted it. When you are caught red handed, you can lie about it. You can defer it by raising another issue to distract your wife. Or you can come clean about it. We sat together. She prayed for me but I couldn’t walk away that easy from porn.
Q. What would you say was driving you to watch porn?
A: That’s an easy question to answer. Years later, after reading some material on sexual addiction and in particular, Dr. William Struthers’ book on “Wired For Intimacy,” it was discovered that the stronghold wasn’t the porn. It would be the combination of porn masturbation or solo sex that reinforced the stronghold of lust in my heart, mind, and body. After watching Dr. James Dobson interviewing Ted Bundy, the serial rapist/murderer Ted Bundy was asked a question.
“Was porn the cause behind the rapes?” Nonchalantly, Ted answered…..“Porn wasn’t the cause. Porn was the fuel.”
Pastor Roger Jamison, pastor of Sword of the Spirit Tabernacle in Brooklyn, NY, for a season, was my accountability partner (words can’t express the gratitude for this man of God) and he said to me that you do not need to watch porn because you have porn all in your head.
So porn wasn’t the cause, it was the fuel to the fire raging in my heart. When your flesh and mind crave to have sex, you can come up with a thousand images. However, when you want the full effect of the fantasy, a man or woman will go to porn. Another thing that Dr. Struthers said was that “porn hijacks the brain.”
In other words, you give yourself over to watching porn and give porn permission to access the chemicals in your body. I’ll get to more on that later but when a man watches porn, or even a woman, you are pretending to have sex with that image and you begin to touch yourself sexually. The lust or the desire to have illegally that person becomes strong. So strong that you are operating on the level of lust possession.
We must remember that demons are operating among humans all the time. While that person is on the TV screen, in the realm of the spirit there is interaction with demon power. You are literally giving yourself over to the spirit of lust. Demons seek expression through humans and the commission of sin is the way they manifest themselves.
Q: You mentioned that porn gives permission to access the chemicals in your body? Please explain?
A: Yes, your body has chemicals that must be accessed to enjoy the full effects of sex. In my studies on Healthy Sexuality and Sexual Addiction from Liberty University, by the way, these courses are not college courses for a degree, but they are nonetheless great material to understand what and why you do what you do. There are four chemicals in men that is excreted into the blood stream.
The first three chemicals produce the erection, energy, and excitement. Men are sight oriented. So when a beautiful woman shows up, the first three chemicals are accessed. The last chemical is dopamine commonly called the reward drug. After orgasm (point of no return), this drug is the pleasure drug.
So when it comes to masturbation, you are accessing these chemicals. It’s highly addictive. And that’s why when it comes to porn, porn is the fuel. Once you start to engage yourself sexually, it is very difficult to shut down. The mind and body gets very frustrated if orgasm isn’t achieved because the body is after the chemicals.
Q: You have given us so much information to glean from. So tell me. With all of these things operating in you, it seemed impossible for you to break free? How does a man break this?
A: Jesus said “With God, all things are possible.” There was a time where I consigned myself to never be free. In other words, hopelessness had set in. There was a series of lies running in my head. One of the things that the devil did was to ensure that I would never have the Word dwell in me richly in all wisdom. That’s Colossians 3:16.
Even though I was a professed believer, I wasn’t a delivered believer. For if I were truly a believer, and I thought I was, His Word would be kept in my heart. Hypocrisy is more about having a form of godliness that denies the power of God. So hopelessness set in. But thank God for a praying wife. Do not get me wrong. God’s power can deliver but it also takes a praying person. Whether it is your wife, mother, family, friends. God needs a vessel to pray for an answer to manifest. In fact, every answer from God is waiting for someone to pray for an answer.
Hopelessness is loneliness. The devil isolates you and keeps your mind from escaping into the Word of God. To break the power of porn and masturbation, you need someone that is willing to pray to God. If the price of freedom is to be paid, it is paid on our knees to God.
2 Corinthians 3:18 says, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.”
In that apartment we were in, the presence of the Lord was there. You do not have to feel that He’s there to know that He’s there. No man can break the power of demons in porn and masturbation by himself. In fact, this is the top area of strongholds among humans. Sexual immorality is the Goliath of our times. So we need the power of the Holy Spirit.
In that story with David and Goliath, we must understand that David did not win that battle alone.
That story is not possible without God’s power. When it comes to sexual immorality, we see that David had issues too. He was able to slay the Goliath on the outside, but David couldn’t slay the Goliath in his heart, mind, and flesh. A man can have access to the wonderful presence of God but until the Spirit of God has everything about us, those Psalms written by David really doesn’t mean anything.
It’s a tough thing to say about David because all of us have intentions on serving God but we really serve God in Secret Places. It is there that our true nature and character is revealed before the Father. It is there that the Secret resources of our hearts are laid bare before God. In front of millions, we can look strong, but when we are by ourselves, are we the same?
God knew that David would fall but He was waiting on David to make a decision.
Decisions Determines Destiny. If David had decided to go to battle with the kings, Uriah would have been alive.
Our prayers in public are only as good as our prayers in secret.
With the help of God, the prayers of others, and a willing and obedient heart, any man or woman can break free. In fact, the prison door was opened when Jesus died on the cross. There’s only one decision left after the question is asked of you.
Do you want to be made free?