Your Husband’s Or Boyfriend’s Porn Habits: Is There Any Hope?

I came across an article from Porn Harms regarding a girlfriend’s discovery of her boyfriend’s porn habits.

Several comments came that suggests that sex before marriage is no longer taboo but the norm. In fact, it’s expected that a boyfriend is given his girlfriend’s  virginity. 

The other comments pretty much demanded that the girlfriend dump”  him because of his sinful porn habit.

With the observance of porn exponentially increasing, should you dump him, there is a good chance that the next boyfriend you choose is doing the same thing. Or he has seen porn. Are they sex addicts? It all depends on the frequency.

An addiction is the inability to control, manage, or stop a habit.

Paul call it, “…Youthful lusts…”In other words, the young pursuing that which is forbidden.

When you are objectifying the body of a woman, the man’s mind becomes inundated and obsessed  with touching her. If he can’t touch her, images drives his sex drive towards releasing sexual tension. If he can’t touch her, he masturbates. 

Already in his mind, he is infatuated with her and seeks to release sexual tension.

Most boys use the excuse that since they do not want to impregnate you, he goes solo. But for the young, it’s just a matter of time before he puts pressure on the girlfriend to have sex. If she isn’t disciplined, she will give up what is most prized. Her virginity. At one time, it was considered a shame to fornicate.

Today it is normal and expected.

The suppressing of the shame is easily made and the sex is sinfully justified.

Being a harlot or a whore used to be enough for most women to abstain from making the mistake of sex before marriage. Now, it’s not a big deal.

In fact, according to the spirit operating in the sons of disobedience, it’s normal.

Sadly, abstaining is not the thing to do among the wicked and among those that profess to be righteous.

Whether it is girlfriend talk, locker room talk, Sunday School talk, or youth group talk, it is now taboo to admit that you are still a virgin.

Addiction to a sex act to fulfill his own sexual fantasies without the relationship is the name of the game with young boys. Your husband or boyfriend is not watching porn and then going to bed.

There is no question in my mind that he is participating in his mind and (to put it bluntly), feeling himself sexually. It’s called masturbation or solo sex. Billions of men throughout the world are occasional to chronic masturbators that started in the youth.

This habit may have started in his youth after being exposed to porn or substitute porn. The inquisitiveness leads to other areas readily accessible on the Internet. The Internet is the number one place where information travels faster than you think.

According to The Internet Filter Review, in one second, 28,258 persons will have click a sex site. In a revised figure, 2.8 billions persons, at the end of 24 hours will click onto a porn site.

Porn is a worldwide pandemic and it appears that there is no hope.

Many agree that porn is responsible for the destruction of many marriages.

It is clear that porn is a major part of the problem because porn models and the sex they are acting out is perfect. However, lust in the heart of man is responsible. The only thing that porn did was be made available to him as an accelerant. Lust is the fire and porn feeds fuel to that fire.

A dominating male and a sexually submissive female. It’s the kind of sex that he wants without being denied.

One comment was said that “give him the kind of sex he is looking for,” or words to that affect.

Mind you, the comment was given to try to prevent losing that boy as a boyfriend. It is clear that most married couples have a very difficult time expressing to each other the kind of mutual sex they are looking to have. And we must conclude that there is no guarantee that when you give a man the kind of sex he is watching on porn, that he will be satisfied.

This is a clear misnomer.

Granted, there are millions of partners that watch porn to “spice up” their sex life.

Let’s be clear about what the Bible says.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 tells us that fornicators will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Hebrews 13:4 tells us that God will judge adulterers and fornicators.

Revelation 21:8 tells us that the sexually immoral will have their part in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone.

There is no gray area. There is no room for error. There is no wiggle room. There is no exceptions.

Since God created man, God created the laws that govern man. Our death proves that accountability is required.

Hebrews 9:27 says, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, after this the judgment.”

If death is true on one hand, judgment is true on the other.

Since no one escapes death. No one escapes judgment.

So as a girlfriend, let’s say that you know the Lord, and you’ve discovered that your boyfriend is into porn, the first disrespect is towards God. We all know that you may be hurt, but God was hurt first. As a believer, you must maintain God’s position on porn first.

Ezekiel 18:20 says “The soul who sins shall die.”

Your boyfriend has committed a serious sin that places him in jeopardy of losing eternal life with Christ.

Because the pleasure is just seemingly too much to give up, this is the least of his worries. But life does happen. Things can happen in a moment. A car accident. Heart attack. Sudden illness that leads to death. It doesn’t happen all the time, but you don’t want your number to come up.

Sadly, in life, everyone’s number will come up.

Listen to Ecclesiastes 8:8 “No one has power over the spirit to retain the spirit, and no one has power in the day of death. There is no release from that war, and wickedness will not deliver those who are given to it.”

If this is not enough, look at verse 11-13……..“Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.

Though a sinner does evil a hundred times, and his days are prolonged, yet I surely know that it will be well with those who fear God, who fear before Him. But it will not be well with the wicked; nor will he prolong his days, which are as a shadow, because he does not fear before God.”

So another reason why he continues in porn is because, up to this point, he wasn’t judged for it. What the Lord is doing is operating on grace, mercy, in hopes that he would turn from his wicked ways and repent. I’ve found that sometimes incremental consequential judgment isn’t enough for a man to turn from his sexual sins.

In defiance to God because the pleasure of ejaculation is too great for some men and women to give up, they continue on.

Look at Proverbs 22:3.

“A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished.”

John 3:19 says, And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.”

Then you have the expounding of Jesus of the parable of the sower in Luke 8:11-15.

“Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God.

Those by the wayside are the ones who hear; then the devil comes and takes away the word out of their hearts, lest they should believe and be saved.

But the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away.

Now the ones that fell among thorns are those who, when they have heard, go out and are choked with cares, riches, and pleasures of life, and bring no fruit to maturity.

But the ones that fell on the good ground are those who, having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience.”

The pleasures of life is sexual immorality.

Then 2 Timothy 3:1-4 in portions “For men will be lovers of themselves…without self- control…headstrong, haughty (proud and lifted up in defiant pride), lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.”

These are the things that a wife or a girlfriend will face.

What is she to do?

If it’s just a boyfriend situation, your options are wide open. If you confront him, expect him to be very defensive. Porn and masturbation is an idol on the level of Goliath. The strength of this demon is more than what people think. While porn and masturbation is no match for the power of God, the man must be willing to walk away from these things if he is going to be free.

Billions of men have sought to break free and the vast majority of them refuse to walk away because the pleasure, to them is too great to give up.

How did I break from this?

I wanted God more than me. I had to crucify daily my desires to have self pleasure. My love for God need to rise of my pleasure to please me by myself. A man must be willing to break his silence and secrecy. If he refuses to break his silence and secrecy, he will remain in bondage.

I had to look at who I was hurting.

Yes, my wife and family but who did I hurt first?

My Lord.

When you get a revelation of how hurt God was, you refuse to hurt Him like that ever again. This spills over into your wife and family. You do not ever want to see them in pain and agony. Masturbation is a form of selfishness. You are looking out for you. Your boyfriend or husband is looking out for himself to meet his needs without the affects of relational situations common in marriages.

If you choose to confront your husband or boyfriend, if you know the Lord, spend quality time in the Scriptures and prayer.

Get as many Christian resources to understand porn addiction and masturbation.

You must not blame yourself for his porn habit. Sure things could trigger things to where he walks away after a negative confrontation on an unrelated issue. But to assume blame for his lust is just the enemy placing guilt on the wrong person or on both person’s simultaneously.

Porn is perfect sin that attracts a male that is sexually out of control.

Even women that look beautiful and never did porn are intimidated by porn’s perfection.

Do not try to minister to him like you are the expert. The information provided in the resources are there to help you understand the dark world of porn and masturbation. If he is just your boyfriend, you haven’t learned to read him like you would read him as your husband. It takes time to understand his emotional make-up, mood changes, etc.

The world of sex is just a physical activity to him. He has yet to realize that it’s purpose is for bonding with one person, procreation, and pleasure between monogamous persons, male and female.

There is a danger that he will be silent for a long time because he was discovered to do that which he wanted to keep secret. To force him to talk will push him further away from you. He is defensive like a clam or turtle. In time, the clam will open up and the turtle will come out of its defensive shell.

Sadly, it will take a while, but if you are patient, the rewards are great.

Porn and masturbation is his idol. To give up something that he is worshipping is going to take countless hours of prayer and fasting. Find time to share with other women that has already gone down this path. Not every story has a happy ending because a man chooses to remain in bondage. God is not responsible when a man decides to remain in bondage.

God renders an account to no man.

It’s always man that has to render an account to God.

But there are happy endings that do happen.

God was not caught off guard with this. He wasn’t surprised.

So there is still hope for your husband’s or boyfriends complete deliverance.

“With God all things are possible.”

The devil has never been known to win. Sin never wins.

Just know that the Lord is with you in your trouble.

Each situation is different, so be prepared for everything.

Being Honest And Open About Porn And Masturbation

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It takes courage to be open about your sexuality. It takes even more courage to be open about porn and masturbation.

Men tend to be more secretive because lust in the heart is a pleasure of this life he wants few people to know about.

The way people perceive him is important. Anything that emits an evil, unsavory scent will put him in a category of the sexually deviant. It hurts to know that somebody knows that you are a pervert.

Sins of the flesh is a pleasure that God forbids. Within the framework of marriage, a man can enjoy sex. This is the boundary that the Lord set to save a man from the underworld of departed sinful spirits. But man loves to deviate in secrecy to have pleasure on the side.

To indulge at your own peril is not good.

In fact, the Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

How does a man become honest and open about porn and masturbation?

In looking at the life of David, when he lusted in his heart for the wife of Uriah the Hittite, named Bathsheba, we can see that secrecy in the heart of David was at play here (see 2 Samuel 11). David was a man after God’s own heart that would do all His will, the Bible tells us. But lust or coveting your neighbor’s wife was in David’s heart.

While we could speculate, such speculation is preponderance. It is more likely than not that David had Secret Sexual Sins evident in his life.

Notice Psalm 32:1-5, A Psalm of David.

“Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.
When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.

For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.
Selah

I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.
Selah

While David never said masturbation. let’s be honest about it.

When men come to church service after a night of porn and masturbation, we are never quick to articulate specifically these sins when we ask for the Lord’s forgiveness. This is a common act of men in sexual sins. We avoid the shame of saying specifically what these sins are because it is shameful. Shameful in the fact that we have stooped low from the normalcy of male sexuality into the depths of perversion.

So we try to cover what we’ve done by using words that mask what we are really asking God to do.

To forgive our porn and masturbation habits.

If we were really honest, we know that after we believe in our hearts that the Lord forgave us, we are quick to return to make preparation to sexually sin again. If we were really honest, we would see that we have developed a pattern of deceiving ourselves, over and over again.

We want the Lord but we want to have the pleasures of this life at the same time.

We men fall into the common patterns of male sexuality. According to Dr. William Struthers, from his book on “Wired For Intimacy,” we see that it is common for a man to be attracted to the opposite sex. But it is sinful to take attraction to the level of lust.

According to Dr. Struthers, “porn hijacks the brain.”

We lust after that image to have sex with something that is just an image. So we act out sexually by ourselves to climax as if we have had sex with her. In the soul and spirit, we’ve made an attempt to become one with that person and we haven’t even touched her.

But according to the Lord Jesus, we have.

Matthew 5:27-30  “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.”

The sole purpose of porn is to fuel the perverted passion of lust in the heart for her. Again, notice that the Lord uses two anatomies of man.

The right eye and the right hand.

We all know that with the eyes, we are stimulated but we also want the penis to be sexually stimulated. So we touch ourselves sexually. I don’t know about you, but not only does this include looking at another woman to lust after her and then use our hands to touch her, I believe that Jesus includes masturbation.

Have you ever thought about the fact that Jesus never touched Himself sexually, to masturbate?

Hebrews 4:15 and 2 Corinthians 5:21 is proof of this.

Besides, if Jesus sinned sexually, God would not have been able to place the sins of the whole world upon Him because if you sin just once, in only one area, you are guilty of all sins according to James 2:10.

Again, there is no specific Scripture that prohibits masturbation. In other words, “Thou shalt not masturbate.”

However, there is no Scripture that gives us permission to masturbate.

Just because the Bible is silent in this area, it doesn’t imply permission. And just because the Bible says that where there is no law against masturbation, there is no sin. It doesn’t mean that you have the right to engage. Many proponents of masturbation will argue until they are blue in the face, but the one thing that they will never be able to do is walk away with a clear conscience.

Because if you still have to ask yourself if masturbation is a sin, then just the question alone condemns your heart. Many walk away suppressing the truth in pride and arrogance.

Here is the reason why the answer of “no masturbation” is clear.

God confined sex within the institution of marriage.

Thus, any extracurricular sex is prohibited.

Many man that struggle in the area of porn and masturbation will be trigger quick (like me) to shoot down any attempt to stop masturbation because it is the only pleasure a man enjoys in the privacy of his world of lust. To have that woman without touching her is a pleasure that some men cannot do without.

For a few reasons.

1. No commitment. Just sex.

2. No pregnancy. Just sex.

3. No relationship. Just sex.

4. No STDs. Just sex.

After you’re done (ejaculation), you move on to the next fantasy woman.

Honestly, masturbation is more about you than that image. Gratifying yourself.

It’s only when we Come Clean about our porn and masturbation habits that the power of God can come to help us begin the process of getting clean in His presence.

As I have said, it takes mustering up the inner strength to be courageous about what is happening in us, spirit, soul, and body. As long as we pursue sexual immorality in secrecy, the further it will take us into darker places. We dare to go deeper into darkness because that is the nature of the devil. To take us straight into the depths of his darkness, which only leads us to ultimate outer darkness. Where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, where the worm dies not, and the smoke of our torment rises forever.

That’s the result of all sexual sins according to Revelation 21:8.

This is a good deterrent but man believes that the pleasure of fulfilling the lusts of the flesh exceeds the consequences. Man deceives himself into thinking that God overlooks this, and we know that He doesn’t. Otherwise we would not be looking out the window to see if we are going to be judged.

But when we sin, the consequences will manifest. It’s inevitable. It’s an unavoidable reality.

Take the time to seek God and muster up the courage to deal with what is going on in you. The Lord desires you to be free. The prison doors are open. They’ve been open since the resurrection of Jesus. Every man can walk free without being charged. So long as we repent, turn from our wicked ways, seek His face, and walk away from porn and masturbation forever.

Be open and honest about it.

The Power To Do Without Solo Sex

There are many males and females in the Body of Christ that cannot do without solo sex called masturbation.

Paul said in 1 Corinthians 6:12 “All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any.”

The reasons range from, “There is nothing in the Bible that says that I can’t masturbate,” “I’m on a long distance trip away from my wife, I got to “get off” before I go crazy.”  to “My spouse is sick and I need to let off a little sexual tension.” “To keep myself from fornicating, committing adultery, or get a girl pregnant, or get an STD, I masturbate.”

While it is true that there is no specific verse of Scripture that says that we can’t masturbate, equally, there is no Scripture that says that you are permitted to engage.

A lot of people have accused proponents of no masturbation that we engage in extra Biblical standards. I call it “elasticity of the Scriptures.”

Meaning that we’ve stretched or added to the Bible to prohibit the practice of masturbation.

I’ve been accused of this as well as other men and women of God that broke free from masturbation.

The grace of God operates in us as we obey the Word of God to abstain from every appearance of evil.

Just as people will read what I’ve just said, they will say, where in the Bible does it say that masturbation is evil?

No where in the Bible does it say that masturbation is evil.

But we know that selfishness is evil. And masturbation is not about selflessness but it’s about selfishness.

If you cannot control yourself, then you are selfish. Right?

This question requires a Yes or NO.

Is masturbation about selflessness or selfishness?

Yes or No?

Then why did I say that it is evil?

Aren’t you “stretching” the Scriptures?

Genesis 2:24 says these words….“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

When it comes to solo sex, you are having sex with yourself. God created Eve for Adam. There is no where in the Bible where we see that Adam masturbated. If that were true, that Adam masturbated, then Eve, or the body of a woman wouldn’t be necessary.

Also, look at what the Lord said in Genesis 2:18.

“And the Lord God said, “ It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

Solo sex is a sex act alone. You are fantasizing sex alone or by yourself. So because God said it is not good that man should be alone, it doesn’t take calculus to figure it out.

Masturbation would be necessary if God never intended to make Eve for Adam.

Since God made Eve for Adam, masturbation is not necessary.

Let me point something out.

Many masturbators will argue that there is nothing wrong with occasional masturbation, or experimental masturbation. Usually proponents of masturbation will defend rigorously the solo sex act.

Masturbators will create reasons to defend masturbation but the ultimate undeniable reason is……

Lust in the heart.

In reading several books on this subject, there are many men that use porn to increase the arousal to perform solo sex. As one man of God put it, “You do not need porn to masturbate, I got porn all in my head.” All you need are fantasy or thoughts, and urges and impulses to get you going. In one book called “Every Young Man’s Battle,” a young man said “I find it very difficult to masturbate without thinking lustfully.”

Then again, you may not have to have a beautiful woman in your mind to masturbate.

You could lust after you.

You could have an infatuation of your own genitals and the way you bring yourself to orgasm and or ejaculation.

Pastor Roger Jamison, pastor of Sword Of The Spirit Tabernacle in Brooklyn, NY shared that masturbation is the stepping stone or “door to the beginning stages of homosexuality.”

As a man, you are doing you.

I know that MSM is a man having sex with another man but what is masturbation?

You having sex with you.

Therefore, masturbation is a selfish, obsessive fetish of your genitals.

Paul said in 2 Timothy 3:1, “…For men will be lovers of themselves.”

The word “themselves” means “fond of self.”

The Amplified says “self centered.”

That’s exactly what masturbation is.

Self centered.

Besides, it’s all about you “getting off.”

So if the Lord made a woman that you are to marry to have sex with, is there any justification for masturbation?

Listen to what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:9 (AMP).

“But if they have not self-control (restraint of their passions), they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame [with passion and tortured continually with ungratified desire.]”

If masturbation were permitted, why didn’t Paul say, “But if they have not self control, they should masturbate. For it is better to masturbate than to be aflame…”

So the remedy of masturbation is to get married.

Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:2 “Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.”

Sex is designed by God to be shared, not for selfish solo sex.

There will be disagreement, and that is unavoidable, but the disagreers have yet to provide one Scripture to justify their position to justify masturbation.

I, and many others have given Scripture to remedy the need for masturbation. Yet, we have yet to see proponents of masturbation to present Scriptural justification to masturbate.

For instance, we expect to see from the proponents of masturbation the following…..Masturbation is justified because the Bible said……

But we know that we won’t see that.

Instead, we get…..“The Bible said nothing about not masturbating.”

Just because the Bible is silent it isn’t permission.

If something like sex was designed by God, then it will follow the Manufacturer’s Manual for use.

Jesus mentioned two things. Eye and hand.

Matthew 5:29-30 “If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.”

How many brothers and sisters in Christ will testify that they use their hands (female use of sex toys) to masturbate and they use their eyes to search for a sexual object to meditate on sexually?

Here, the Scriptures gives us the blueprint for sexual activity within the confines of the “one flesh” principle according to Genesis 2:24 and 1 Corinthians 7:9.

You can’t be one flesh by yourself. You need an opposite partner to become one flesh. Otherwise, you are in violation of what God originally intended in sex.

Again, if masturbation were justified by God, there would be no need for Eve.

Pretend sex would negate the necessity of a woman.

Therefore, when it comes to masturbation, “you are brought under its power.”

When you are brought under its power, it means that it has control over you. The way that the flesh is designed, according to Dr. William Struthers in his book “Wired For Intimacy,” a man is “wired” for sex. He also said that “porn hijacks the brain.”

When you are brought under its power, at any moment, you can think about sex and the body of a man is engaged until sexual release takes place. A man that is under control will never give themselves over to his or her sexual urges and impulses. One of the fruit of the Spirit is “temperance” or “Self control.”

If you cannot stop, you are not under control.

In fact, even when you occasionally masturbate, you are not under control. Your lusts or animal impulses is managing the urges and impulses.

Complete control demands that you do not give yourself over to your urges and impulses.

The discussion of masturbation is still a taboo subject among men. One person in my secular employment said out of his mouth, “man does it all the time, it’s no secret.”

And he is right, Yet, to discuss it in the open is still a secret.

Why?

It is embarrassing. The conscience is still offended. Why is the conscience offended? It is a clear indication that you are doing something that the body is not designed to do as far as a solo act is concerned. Nonetheless, a man will engage in masturbation because he can’t control his urges and impulses the way Jesus did when He walked the earth. That’s why He gave us woman. We select a female to marry and we could have all the sex we want.

However, we have come to see that even while married, a married man is out of control. Having sex with his wife, still seems like it isn’t enough.

Why?

Proverbs 27:20 gives us the answer.

“Hell and destruction are never full, so the eyes of a man are never satisfied.”

The sexual process always begins with what’s in the heart of a man. Then he goes into search mode with his eyes. His body then makes provision to fulfill that lust in the heart, and sin, when it is finished, brings for death (see James 1:14-15). If you ever wonder why you have that “condemned” feeling after you’ve masturbated, it’s because you sinned against your body.

Look at what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 6:18. “Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body.”

I trust that after reading this that you would seriously consider that God is looking to help you overcome solo sex.

If you are single or married, and you are struggling to stop masturbating, there is some help on this blog page. Sexual Addiction Recovery.

Usually when you are participating in the practice of Secret Sexual Sins and you fight to preserve something that you know is wrong, it is a clear indication that you are convicted. Otherwise, you wouldn’t argue to fight for it.

If you feel condemned and you want to argue about continuing to masturbate, I understand your position. Having been involved in masturbation for 33 years with relapse after breaking free and for 10 years of these 33 years involved with pornography, I too, argued until I came clean and asked the Lord to help me overcome masturbation.

There is help. You just got to be bold enough to break free and break loose from the arguments to continue to masturbate.

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