It’s part of the evil menu of satanic temptation.
Women that look to lure a holy man of God into the bedroom or hotel room which ultimately leads both of them down the steps into hell.
Many women feel that they are the victim all of the time. It is true that lusting pastors look to take advantage of an emotionally damaged woman but when you look at the other side of the situation, in her vulnerability, she will fall into temptation just as easily as a lust filled pastor.
While many will argue about it, it is clear that satan always look to use someone to trip up a pastor.
Especially holy men of God that is disciplined in the Word and the Lord.
And satan will use a perverted pastor to trip up a holy woman of God. This is a two way street.
What’s also lurking in the house of worship are homosexual plants. They too are on the lookout for lust filled same sex with people in leadership.
Sexual immorality is a critical sign of the last days. As Secret and Overt Sexual Sins increase in the world, where there is no discipline in the pastor and in people in the church, we will watch these things intensify. That’s why the pastor must take heed before they find themselves overwhelmed with sin.
It’s not worth going to hell over.
Being that this is the most prevalent sexual sin in the church that gets immediate attention, that is, seductive women coming into the church to take out a pastor or a pastor luring unstable emotional women, we see that we must institute absolute disciple to escape the corruption.
A male pastor, whether married or single, must enforce a strict discipline upon himself. We cannot stop women from coming to church, dressed provocatively. In most cases, we can’t prevent them from sitting in certain high visible places where there is a clear line of sight. We can’t prevent most after service contact or interaction between pastors and women.
Every male pastor is different. Some pastors allow themselves to be available to females for counseling and other forms of interaction. Some pastors interact with females after service during “meet and greets.” These seemingly innocent interactions are also potential seed planting grounds where “attraction and enticement” unsuspectingly takes its course.
If there is no caution, prevention, or discipline, it’s just a matter of time before innocent contact turns into deliberate sexual immorality.
But interaction and professional contact could be maintained.
Two elements must be discussed.
- Attraction to power.
- Attraction to beauty.
In many church services, the preacher is the main event. Sadly, his personality and emotional energy is an attraction to women. At the same time, some, not all women, preconceive in their minds what to wear to attract a pastor with her beauty.
A few years ago, I was attending a service and after the service, a young woman in a tight fitting, low cleavage, knee high dark blue dress walked up to a married elder in his church. He and I drove to his church that morning. I knew what this was. It was a set up. It doesn’t take much to see a trap walking.
How he handles his emotions after the service is the tale of the tape.
It is during these times that he is emotionally vulnerable. This is where he can forget that he just handled the Word of God. If he fails to maintain his holiness in the Lord, it is very easy to cross the line and engage in inappropriate behavior that leads to sexual sin.
The moments after the service is over is where he feels powerful. This is where the four “E’s” of ministry come into play.
It’s very easy to operate in the soul and transfer all that “power” into sexuality.
Male sexuality and male sexual drive is at its peak and if a man is not careful, it is not long before he will engage.
Let’s explain the four “E’s.”
When you have preached a message that is powerful, you feel that you are in an elite class or status. Top of the world, so to speak. This place of elitism is also called pride. It is there that women will applaud you or give you encouragement. Whether it is innocent or deliberate, you must guard your heart. This is not to put women down but it is meant to be on guard for the intent.
After receiving that “compliment” you feel empowered.
Like you are the most powerful man on earth.
Then you deceive your heart into thinking that you’re entitled to anything.
Then you operate in expediency – “(of an action) convenient and practical, although possibly improper or immoral:”
So when James 1:14-15 is in operation, it spells doom.
How do you avoid this?
It all depends upon you.
To what lengths are you willing to go to protect what God gave you?
Will you be Joseph or will you be Job? Will you be Ahab or will you be Samson? Or will you be like Jesus?
Joseph escaped but he was in the right place taking care of Pharaoh’s business but in close proximity to Pharaoh’s wife at the wrong time. Job said that he never lusted with his eyes in the 31st chapter. Ahab gave himself over to Jezebel, even though he was married to her. Samson had lust in his heart. Jesus had sexual disciple among women.
So how do you avoid deliberate feminine seduction?
If you are a single pastor and women approach you, if you have a trusted elderly woman in the house, ask her to deal with the younger women in church.
Notice Paul’s instruction to Titus in the second chapter of this epistle.
Titus 2:1-5 “But as for you, speak the things which are proper for sound doctrine: that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience;
the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things — that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.”
If the younger women insist that they see the male pastor, it is a signal that must not be ignored. Not every young woman is looking to “score” like men are looking to “score,” but it is best to err on the side of good judgment and as a male pastor, insist that she see an older woman for counseling.
Most pastors have female secretaries. This is where the most interaction gets very personal and close. And this is where the most trip ups occur. Depending upon the size of the church, the need for a secretary will vary but this is also the very place where more attention must be paid in terms of sexual discipline. Not every female secretary is looking to score. But when a lust filled pastor or secretary is vulnerable, they will attempt to take advantage.
It’s not always during church service that interaction is occurring. Seduction can happen during the week with staff people.
In closing, we need to pay more attention to our marriages if you are a married pastor. The enemy is looking to devour you and your family. It’s not just the pastor that the devil wants to destroy. The devil will destroy the mistress, the wife, and the kids. The devil is not satisfied until there is complete destruction. So be on your guard at all times.
If you are single, you need to pay attention to your surroundings and maintain your sanctification.
Otherwise, you are another sad story for others to read about.
1 Peter 5:8-9a “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith…”
Paul gives us these words in 1 Corinthians 6:18. “Flee sexual immorality.” 1 Thessalonians 5:22, Paul says to “Abstain from every form of evil.” And then Paul says in 2 Timothy 2:22 “Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” Paul says in Ephesians 4:27 “Nor give place to the devil.”
The Amplified Bible says of that verse “Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him.”
Inappropriate contact and appearances included.
Your conversations with your pastor turns into a very revealing conversation.
The pastor brushes by you intentionally.
You lean over as the pastor walks by.
As the pastor walked by you, you felt his hand touching an inappropriate part of your body, but you did or did not like it.
These and other inappropriate situations happen in local churches across the country more frequently than you think, and it leads to nothing but trouble.
There are many believers and pastors that cross the line because they fail to understand that certain situations present massive opportunities to fall into sexual sins.
For instance, when having conversations with your pastor, the utmost respect must be maintained. Conversations between pastors and people can enter into areas where the lines of respect get blurred.
The more you feel at liberty to discuss certain areas and issues, the more you potentially open the door to have conversations that get real personal. A male pastor must maintain the utmost respect by remembering that people are people. Pastors are people too but when the lines of communications are crossed, it is very easy to engage in inappropirate conversations.
Paul said this in Ephesians 4:29 “Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.”
Opening up the heart and mind potentially leads to illegally opening the zipper and blouse.
Illegal connections of the heart and mind leads to illegal sexual connections.
Another area that must be addresed is when two persons of the opposite sex that is not married are seen in a location by themselves.
Such appearances has the potential to get out of hand.
When Jesus entered the house of Mary and Martha, would it be considered an inappropriate move? First we must understand that Jesus is fully Lord but He was also fully human. The potential for the appearance of inappropriate contact and appearances was very high. But looking at the power of God operating in Jesus, no man can work the works of God with known or secret sin.
Then there are the current lies of the devil based on Jesus’ associations with Mary and Martha that he married Mary Magdalene (a prostitute whom He cast out seven devils) and had children.
Then there was the woman that came in with an alabaster box of expensive oil. She poured it on Jesus. Then there was the woman with many sins that cried tears on the feet of Jesus and she wiped the tears off His feet with her hair, for her sins were many.
While we know that Jesus is disciplined and He is the Lord, even for Him, these acts done to Him gives the appearance of inappropriate contact and appearances.
Everyone has an opinion and it’s sometimes based on preconceived perception.
In other words, they’ve premeditated and etched in stone their perception about you.
You see, a person sometimes will only see what their mind tells them. Sometimes a person’s perception can be entirely warped or bent out of shape. No matter what you tell them, the sky is green. They will insist with strong persistence because that’s what they firmly believe. They will not change even when facts are presented to refute the appearance.
So the best thing to do is avoid giving people the chance that something is going on.
Joseph failed to exercise judgment with Potiphar’s wife. She was nothing but trouble because she lusted after him. Joseph was a young, strong, good looking unmarried Hebrew. She declared him as sexually available, but she was already married.
First of all, Joseph knew full well that to have tail on the side would be a sin against God.
Second, he knew that if he messed with a powerful man’s wife, it would cost him prison or death.
Only a fool would even think about it. Thoughts turn into actions very quickly. When sound judgment and discretion is thrown to the wind, a man will never be released from the prison of disgrace or reproach.
Joseph’s discipline saved him from certain death. Even though the inappropiate appearance took place, and because of the hand of the Lord upon Joseph, he was spared death. I honestly believe that Potiphar knew what his wife was up to and instead of having Jospeh killed, Potiphar just put him in prison.
As a side note, the Lord knew that this would happen. But it goes to show you that despite the circumstances of a minor lapse of judgment, because Jospeh wouldn’t sin against God, the faithfulness of Joseph brought the favor of God on him later.
Joseph chose divine favor over demonic foolishness.
For his sexual discipline, Joseph was rewarded.
A reward from God is far better than the reproach of God and man because of 20 minutes of illegal sex.
But this serves as a lesson to everyone.
Never be found in compromising situations.
TWO BY TWO
Go by the two by two rule ladies.
If you know that you are going to go somewhere where there is a man by himself, it is highly unlikely that a man is going to do something when other eyes on present. I realize that conspiracy can take place as well. Two women can conspire against a single male. However, the man must do everything in his power to move quickly away from presenting the opportunity. A man will not know that a conspiracy is about to unfold. So he has to use massive discretion.
Brothers, if you see that something is not right, never assume that it’s just your imagination. Just quickly move from that location or have other eyes present to protect you.
In today’s society, all a woman has to do is say, “Rape,” and the police will not hesitate to lock a man up.
While men can be predators, when a woman doesn’t get what she want in consentual illegal sex, all she has to do is mention that she was raped and his life is ruined. If he touched you, and there is indisputable evidence, he will do time. If a woman lied and he is still put in jail, nothing will be able to undo the injustice in the natural. He will be watched for the rest of his life. However, should he be innocent in the eyes of God, the vengeance of God will come on the woman in unimaginable ways.
Let’s heed Paul’s admonition and never put ourselves in compromising situations.
Let’s use the wisdom of God at all times.
HOW CAN WE PREVENT SEXUAL SCANDALS?
There is two ways that scandals could be prevented. Willful disclosure of hidden sexually immoral behavior according to Ephesians 5:8-14 or prophetic exposure according to Luke 12:2.
In both cases, God is looking to help man out of sin by any means necessary.
It is difficult to stop men of God that are bent on circumventing any principles of morals to fulfill the lusts of their flesh but God will do everything in His power to get your attention.
Sadly, every scandal from here on is only another indication that we are deep in the age of apostasy. The sins of preachers is only getting worse and it will lead many to hell on earth and a much more terrible hell under the earth.
Sadly, the people in the church will sit there and drink with these preachers. Becoming co-conspirators and cheerleading followers of their vile affections (see Romans chapter 1).
They will drink deeply of the sinful waters of sexual perversion.
Any sins committed by pastors and church folk will make the world blush in pride.
There is a problem with pastors living up to the standards of the Word of God.
Pastors that work independently and pastors that work under a ecclesiastical jurisdiction set up rarely have a place to go to to air out what is harboring in their hearts. Many pastors frown upon “inquisitions,” “personal accountability inquiries,” or other forms of measurable accountability because of what it can turn into.
When you are in sin or you have a problem with sexual addiction, you will not be quick to run to sit with somebody to ask you questions about your personal life. It is a very fearful thing to put your life out before people because your image is at stake. What people think of you determines your total outlook on yourself and ministry.
To put out your life before an accountability group requires that you be comfortable and safe. Otherwise, nothing deeply embedded in the soul will be shared. The fallen pastor must have people that either maintained the standard of holiness in the fear of the Lord or was once in the life of sin but gained victory.
Many will say that a couple of years out of sin is pretty much the standard. The more years the better because then the fallen pastor will be exposed to hear about certain tendencies and what to look out for.
At this point, never mind the self image you may have had or lost. What’s more important is what the Lord thinks about you. Can He use you or not is dependent upon how clean you become.
Coming clean about your sex life is the only way that you can be mightily used by God in the future, should you choose to accept long term measurable accountability that works.
Secret Sexual Sins is about how much sin you can commit while keeping it a secret.
If nobody knows, nobody gets hurt.
But God knows and He is already hurt if you continue to keep it a secret.
It is very easy for a pastor to hide and not be found. When it comes to men, apart from ministry, men believe that they can fix things by themselves.
In other words, male pastors go it alone.
This always leave the potential to sin and try to fix the sin by personal repentance alone. Personal repentance is fine if you are sincere about leaving sin alone, once and for all, but it is not true repentance if you return to commit the same sin over again. That’s why it is important for you to have someone to talk to or someone that can call you and see where you are.
If you go it alone, you are only opening the door for dealing with Secret Sexual Sins through remorse, not repentance. Remorse is about feeling sorry for yourself that you were caught in sin. It’s also called revolving door repentance.
To stop revolving door repentance is the ability to stop treating sin like a kid’s game.
WHAT WILL IT TAKE?
Let’s talk about..
Preventative And Measurable Accountability
It starts with an Accountability Group.
Someone that you willing submit to that will lovingly and uncompromisingly hold you accountable for your sexual integrity. Someone that can vouch for your life. Someone that can speak truth into your life whether you like it or not. Someone that can help you along the way, see ahead of you, and warn you of the dangers ahead.
Not many pastors are interested because of the price of transparency. However, if we are going to defeat sexual immorality and preserve our marriages, family, and ministries, we must leave no stone unturned.
Prevention is not a great subject these days. Too often nothing is done to prevent an accident but when an accident occurs, heaven and earth is moved to prevent another one.
Silly, isn’t it.
Sex scandals have continuously rocked the church for centuries. Yet, there has been no insistence of “measurable accountability.”
Partly for two reasons.
1. There is no contingency or template in place (bylaws-elder boards) when a scandal takes place.
2. Pastors refuse measurable preventative accountability and they refuse or circumvent remedial help or counseling after the scandal.
Sometimes, these fallen pastors impose upon themselves their own “accountability” rules.
They impose upon themselves that the ministry cannot continue without them and return too fast to the pulpit. If a child is born out of the adulterous relationship, and they do not have a job outside of pastoral duties, they will fight to stay on salary so they can be prepared to pay child support.
This is in addition to any divorce proceedings, if it goes in that direction.
They fail to spend time getting before the presence of the Lord and allow seasoned men of God to take them through the process of healing.
They fail to take the time to see to his wife’s healing, leaving her in a daze of confusion, betrayal, and embarrassment. They fail to help or get help for their suffering children and families. The church enters into an array of emotions but they hang between opinions governed by their denial and what is factual.
There is usually one reason why pastors return too soon to the pulpit.
They have their eyes on themselves and they want to save their “empire.”
The pastor takes the church and turns it into his own personal empire.
Two concepts of restoration comes to mind.
Not many fallen pastors will do what it takes to restore personal integrity. However, if you are going to come back to the pulpit, you must be willing to do the following.
1. SPIRITUAL RESTORATION
Too many pastors do not return to the Lord. They return to their ministries first, and second, they walk away from God and their wives. The first level of restoration begins with getting back in the face of God to seek His love, compassion, and grace. Too often, we run pass the Lord, and look to get back to doing what we do best.
Preaching and ministering to people.
This should be the furthest thing from your mind. God loves you. Not what you do (as far as preaching is concerned).
Yes, He called you to preach, but He called you to relate with Him.
When was the last time you were touched by God? The Lord said this to me during my season of Secret Sexual Sins. “Never forget how to be touched by God.” This didn’t ring true until there were times that the Holy Spirit brought me through seasons of repentance. The godly sorrow for sin finally hit me because I hurt God bad.
He was grieved.
False intimacy is devotion to devils at the altar of sexual immorality. There must be a serious reconnection to the Lord. A fallen pastor falls out of love with the Lord and must reconnect to the Lover of his soul. Yes, it is time to fall in love with the Lord all over again.
Otherwise, restoration in the other two areas will never happen.
2. FAMILY RESTORATION
After restoring your relationship with the Lord, your family is the next important priority, not your ministry.
You must do everything in your power to do what is right for your wife and kids. The church will go on without you, one way or another. You must get help for you and your wife, otherwise, no restorative process is worth the trouble. You are just wasting time, energy, and people’s lives.
This is a lengthy, time consuming process and it should never be rushed.
After this process of family restoration, your restorative group will recommend the next step.
3. MINISTERIAL RESTORATION
1. Submit yourself to some form of restoration process that takes control away from you of your ministry.
You cannot survive without God. Your ministry can survive without you.
2. Submit to some form of counseling. Be it anger management, sexual addiction (or any other addiction in connection), and family counseling.
3. Be prepared to share as much about your past as bearably possible. The links to your past is a track record that may reveal why you did what you did.
4. Submit to ongoing random spot checks by men of integrity. These are men that you trust your life with. Men that you confide with. Men that will hold your feet to the fire. It is painful but if you are serious about returning to the pulpit, your life needs to have measurable transparency.
These men will endorse or denounce your ministry effectiveness.
YOU ARE POWERLESS TO SELF IMPOSE A RETURN TO THE PULPIT.
Only the men that you are accountable to may recommend a return to the pulpit. Otherwise, it’s a farce.
It is very easy for a fallen pastor, after a brief absence from the pulpit, to resume ministry. He really feels he could continue to minister to others. It is a pompous display of pride and arrogance that got him into trouble in the first place.
It’s like driving a car full of explosives. It’s just a matter of time before they will blow themselves up. And inevitably, he will.
STARTING ANOTHER CHURCH OR ASSUMING THE PASTORATE ELSEWHERE
While there is no template or something etched in stone when it is feasible for a fallen pastor to return to any pulpit, there should be a reasonable time established. However, to start another church or to consider moving to another town to assume the pastorate elsewhere is not a good idea within the early stages of the restoration process.
Such a return timetable must be approved by those who hold him accountable. They must ensure that he and his family are well on their way to recovery. They must ascertain that the will of God require his restoration.
How is this done?
Gauging the health of their relationship with the Lord and his family.
Signs to look for.
1. Broken and contrite heart.
3. Willing to put off a return to any form of ministry until those involved in the redemptive restorative process see a clear display of humility or humbleness of mind.
4. Whole hearted agreement from the wife that he is ready to resume the minstry. If you do not have your wife’s unconditional support, it’s not worth the risk. That’s why family restoration will take longer than the other two areas of restoration because a breach of vows, confidence, and fidelity is not that easy to get by.
If there is anyone that should be able to vouch or question your return to the pulpit, it’s going to be your wife. She has to have confidence that you are not going to go down the path again. You owe her that much to see through the process of family restoration for as long as it takes.
God resists the proud but He also gives grace to the humble.
It is very easy to fool some of the people some of the time but God is never fooled, and God will bring certain people in your life to let you know that you can’t fool them either.
When a fallen pastor continues to speak his spiritual cliche or “anointing,” it’s a clear signal that they are not healed. When a fallen pastor speak “Biblelise” and refuse to entertain though provoking questions designed to determine where you are in the Lord, it is very plain that they are avoiding the issue.
In order to deceive, one must be deceived themselves.
Ministry is all that some pastors know. But they need to be certain that they are ready to properly balance family and ministry. Otherwise, another scandal is in the making. Most fallen pastors insist that they are ready. It never should be up to the fallen pastor to say that they are ready. It must be up to those who hold him accountable and his wife.
Anything less is failure on everyone’s part.
It is very easy to preach but it is difficult to be a child of God. Like me and every other preacher, we can preach at the drop of a hat. But can we live clean and holy before God and His people after the preaching is done?
When a fallen pastor says that they are ready, they are not.
How do I know?
If you are honest about your self assessment, you will never self rubber stamp your redemption. It is better to have others give you a truthful assessment. Self certification is a clear dis-qualifier.
Lasting redemption and restoration is an ongoing work that must have tough safeguards in place to prevent relapse. Sexual relapse is serious as a cancerous relapse.
Relapse happens in the smallest ways. During the restoration process, everyone must be on guard to address these mental and spiritual relapses. All it takes is one thought. One self sexual act to get the ball rolling. What Jesus did on a regular basis is “watch and pray.”
However, you need to have people watch and pray with you.
Everyone remembers the story of Cain and Abel. When Abel brought the sacrifice that God required, Cain brought fruit. Cain was upset that God, not Abel, rejected his offering.
God asked Cain a serious question.
“Where is your brother?”
Can answered, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Cain threw the question right back at God.
The answer to accountability is Cain’s question.
We are our brother’s keeper or guard.
We are expected to help one another steer clear of sexual immorality by employing tough, measurable accountability.
Sadly, many pastors will live in the arena of regret.
Especially during the judgment.
But we all have a chance to deal with this issue through meaningful, loving, non condemning accountability.
By Fred C. Rochester. Copyright 2011. All Rights Reserved.
The mistress. The other woman. The pastor’s wife is the last person to get any help. The fallen leader gets help. My God, even the mistress gets help, but who extends any help to the wife of a fallen pastor?
It is the betrayal of a wife that many people do not hear about. The pain. The anguish. The embarrassment. The disgraceful act of a husband that tread under his foot his wife, whom he claims to love, honor, and cherish.
Every wife that’s ever been betrayed goes through the cycle of questions.
Why did he do the unthinkable? What is wrong with me? What did he see in her that is not in me? What is going to happen to me and the children (if any)? How am I going to cope with the fear of losing my husband? How did I allow this? Where are you, God? Is there any hope for me? Am I going to divorce him or forgive him and try to patch things up?
I need to be healed. He gets “ministered to” but who will come and minister to me? Who could I confide with to help me get through this pain? Do I move out or do I stay? Do I make him leave?
This is the world of a wife that is searching for answers because her world has been disheveled.
AM I TO BLAME FOR HIS INFIDELITY?
It is easy to answer this question.
Your husband’s Secret Sexual Sins and his lust is to blame.
Granted, couples have arguments and disagreements in the marriage. What couple doesn’t? To blame yourself for your husband’s inability to remain true to you is not healthy. Infidelity is predominantly a lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes sin in the heart and mind of your husband.
We’ll elaborate more on this part later, but to answer the question, you are not to blame.
WHO COULD I GO TO THAT CAN GIVE ME THE KIND OF HELP I NEED?
Many churches do not offer the kind of help that wives need. This is sad because the wife needs a strong support group to get through the moments of pain, loneliness, and betrayal. This is not just limited to pastor’s wives. This is inclusive of all the wives that may experience betrayal.
This is a church-wide issue that is increasing as the days go by. We have yet to address sexual immorality in the church on a national level because we are fearful of the repercussions and ripple affects it would have in the church.
The first thing that must happen is that the betrayed wife must find a friend to confide in. She need to share her broken heart with a person that is firm but also compassionate. It is important because her self esteem is destroyed.
BUILDING UP HER SELF ESTEEM
In the Lord and His Word is all you need to build you up. The Lord and His Word reassures you of His genuine love for you. The Lord and His Word reaffirms you as the one He loves. The Lord and His Word revives your depressed spirit and soul. The Lord and His Word knows how to restore you to a place in Him that the devil, momentarily, took you away from.
The Lord knows that you are going through a very stressful time in your life, but He is right there to see you through the darkest moment of your life.
Your husband may have betrayed you, but the Lord will “never leave you nor forsake you.” Therefore, you must commit to shed your tears and receive His love. Cry to Him and He will heal you. Raise your voice to Him, but raise your voice to praise Him for who He is.
Your God and King.
Find some saints to pray with you. Saints that you trust. No gossipers. Stay away from the trouble crowd of women that only seek to do more harm than good. They may be well intentioned but they aren’t. They do not have your best interest in mind. Your best interest is to help you get through the moments. Everyone doesn’t need to watch your heart bleed because they will just stand there and watch you bleed.
In making decisions, it is important to understand that rash decisions only exasperate the situation. Emotional stability is essential. However, in understanding that a traumatic event invaded your peace and sanctity, you want to be around family and close friends.
Additionally, you should have someone that you confide with. A close confidant should help you to make critically sound decisions that will affect your immediate and future needs.
Sometimes the emotional state of the wife can operate in an “I am justified” mode and decide to commit adultery herself. This is not healthy and it must be addressed. Sometimes, this kind of response is done out of anger in the wife.
Granted, the wife has a right to be angry, but Paul admonishes us to “be angry but do not sin.” Ephesians 4:26
TO FORGIVE OR NOT TO FORGIVE
It is very easy to be so angry that forgiveness is not even considered. The pain is there but even God is angry and in pain too. Sometimes, in the midst of our own anger, we forget how God is affected. He grieves just like we do or vice versa. We grieve like Him but He still has room in His heart to forgive once we admit our sin.
You may not be ready right now to forgive and God knows that. However, we are still obligated to forgive and let it go. Remember, in the Garden of Eden or Pleasure, the Lord was betrayed. The Lord was angry and meted out punishment. However, He appeased His holiness and subsided His anger by shedding blood and covering Adam and Eve with coats of skin.
He also set into motion the redemption of man.
Because He loved us.
Your love for your husband is never optional because God’s love is never optional. His love for us is without condition. In the same manner, we are to love unconditionally.
Your husband did the worst thing in the world to secretly betray you and to openly betray you. Yet, we will be compelled or constrained by the love of God to forgive and let it go.
You will never forget it, but you will get to the point where the Holy Spirit will lead you to let the bitterness, anger, wrath, and sadness of the initial moment go, just to forgive him. Whether you choose to be with your husband or not, forgiveness is the one expression that makes God a loving God.
Again, your anger is justified, and you may not be ready right now to forgive, but you will get to that point. When you do, the grace to forgive will be there and you will have a sense of relief that despite your pain, you pleased God.
You will never get over the moment, but by God’s grace, He will help you through the moment. It includes forgiving the mistress.
YOUR HUSBAND’S LUST PROBLEM
Very rarely will affairs have no connection to a man’s porn and self gratification issue.
No one watches porn without releasing sexual tension.
An affair is a manifestation of his fantasy. Almost every affair will be traced to his Secret Sexual Sins of porn and masturbation.
Just because an affair took place, it doesn’t mean that the Lord or His Word changed. In the blame game, sometimes God is unfairly blamed because the devil makes it appear that God was sleeping on the job. The reason why I am mentioning this is that sometimes when an adulterous affair takes place, the Person that we need to go to is the Lord and His Word.
To run from Him or to blame Him is done out of anger but God gives you the right to be angry, but you need to be angry at the person that opened the door for this to happen.
The devil and your husband.
Your husband was already walking in sin.
The scandal before the scandal is what it’s called.
If he has a wandering eye. If he watches porn and gratifies himself (masturbation), then he has a Secret Sexual Sin problem that needs attention.
His cheating heart was already searching for flesh to have. He just needed to be pushed over the edge. Not by you but by his own reasoning.
The scandal behind the scandal is level one sex addiction.
1. Thoughts and or fantasy.
2. Porn and self gratification, commonly called masturbation.
3. Adultery, prostitution, and affairs.
Step three is just the manifestation of a perverted heart.
When it comes to this level of sex addition, there is always a form of secrecy. As long as you do not know about what your husband does, he will continue to push the envelope.
When he says that he would not cross a certain line, it is just a matter of time before he will.
The line to cross is from fantasy to reality. If he stopped having sex with you, chances are he is having sex with himself and then he will cross the line into adultery, prostitution and affairs. According to the Lord Jesus, if he looks at a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery in his heart (see Matthew 5:27-28).
Adultery is an affair, however, fornication may involve adultery because the husband is married and the female that he is sexually involved with may not be married.
WHAT IS MY HUSBAND REALLY SEEING WHILE WATCHING PORN?
The one thing about porn is that it is designed to destroy wives. Unbeknownst to many people, the female porn performers do not like nor do they enjoy what they do. It is a known fact that many women that do porn for the first time leave after one shoot. It is a known fact that drugs and alcohol is on the set for the women so that they can get through the sexual abuse they are about to endure.
Let alone the fear of contracting HIV/AIDS and STDs.
The men are very abusive. In most scenes, it’s border line rape.
If they do not perform certain acts, they get paid less or don’t get paid at all.
Prostitutes, porn stars, strip joints, brothels, human trafficking, and massage parlors. It is a combination that reveals a “seamless fabric” of sexual immorality embedded in churches and society. In other words, though these activities are distinguished, they are interwoven.
Porn stars will tell you that the best money is in prostitution. Porn stars work a flat rate fee on production sites for 16+ hours of sin. Your husband is watching someone’s daughter, mother, sister, cousin, aunt, grandmother, and mother in law get raped or get a death sentence of HIV/AIDS or STDs.
The reason why I am taking this time to explain is because you cannot sit there and blame yourself for your husband’s infidelity. What they see in the mistress or the women in porn is a figment of their imagination. In the world of fantasy or false sex, porn is a perverted portrayal packaged to subliminally indoctrinate males that this is what they want. It is false pretense and very deceiving to the man.
Porn is never about love. Porn is only about lust.
There will never be any satisfaction achieved because a man will never be satisfied (see Proverbs 27:20). He will never get to the carrot in the stick. His lust for that which is forbidden will only drive him to places where he assumes he will be satisfied.
True satisfaction is only found in Jesus.
Porn portrayed to your husband that you are inadequate in the bedroom and you are no longer beautiful. The devil is a liar. Porn portrays perfect women having or giving a male perfect sex. Complete male dominance and woman degradation is the perverted perception that drives men to want more and more.
A man will have thousands of images and will never be satisfied with one image. That’s why if he were to destroy just one porn film or delete one porn show, you better check again. He has millions of images stashed on DVDs, hard drives, tapes, or any electronic device capable of storing large quantities of porn.
Yes, it’s that serious.
Because of pasts scandals, we have been conditioned to accept this behavior as a normal part of church life. Far be it from the truth. We need to address this issue on a national level if we are going to defeat sexual immorality in the church.
After the dust has settled, there is some tremendous books to help you understand what you are going through. I mentioned the stuff about porn because people do not realize how much of a negative affect it has on the marriage relationship.
Unfortunately, this is what goes on every day. Sadly, many couples join in watching porn and claim that it has no effects. Sooner or later, it will. It is just a matter of time. Porn never spices up a sex relationship. It ultimately destroys it.
Also, the person you confide with should be aware that where there is an addiction to sex in a man, there may be hidden “cross addictions” in another area.
It is not unusual for wives to harbor sexual addictions too.
What am I saying?
Sometimes a wife could harbor a “get back” at him mentality. If he committed adultery, the wife may feel that she is entitled to do the same. This is not the way to handle the situation. Responding in kind only opens the door to more trouble.
Just remember, as a wife, you are still valued by the Lord. Do not blame yourself.
Don’t allow the devil to lie to you. Do not accept one lie from the devil or from man.
Do not lie to yourself.
Just remember, you are still the apple of His eye.