Alas, another pastor that love and possibly, worship sex more than loving God and maintaining the sanctity of his call to the ministry.
Like many of us, we ruin ourselves in secret before we are exposed. In a chapter in my book called Secret Sexual Sins, there is a chapter called, “Come Clean. Or Be Exposed!” This is what the Lord said to me before I repented.
There are many pastors that live secret lives. Let me reiterate a statistic. There are over 300,000 churches in the United States. 50% of pastors struggle with porn. That means 150,000 churches have pastors that are living in Secret Sexual Sins.
I was one of those pastors until December, 2008.
My friend, Pastor DL Foster posted about another pastor falling (courtesy of Charisma.com) because of Secret Sexual Sins.
You can read the article by clicking this link.
A few of us pastors agree. It is now a regular occurrence. It’s been 4 years since the Lord delivered me from porn and self gratification, commonly called masturbation.
Why do I mention this?
Few articles really get to the nitty gritty of a pastor’s Secret Sexual Sins. Many of you are so stunned when you read of a married pastor, with children, committing adultery, but rarely do we discover the fuel of adultery. Rightfully so, Pastor Foster points out that the root cause is the undisciplined pastor’s heart, also known as the fruit of the Spirit, called “self control,” as the root cause of moral failure.
What goes undetected is the Secret Sexual Sins occurring in the life of a pastor. The discovery of adultery is just the exposure of a deeper problem that rarely is discussed.
Porn and masturbation in the life of a pastor.
The other two things that is not noted is the sexual immoral woman that the book of Proverbs speaks of, and the wife, and kids affected by this momentary laps of judgment.
We are to avoid the sexually immoral women like the plague. Now, not every woman is sexually immoral, but there are predator pastors that take advantage of emotionally unstable women in church.
Then again, there are women that strategically, and deliberately intend to use their femininity to secure the love of a pastor. Not to mention that there are Jezebels on assignment to sexually sacrifice their body for church power.
In Dr. Betty Price’s book “A Warning To Ministers, Their Wives, and Their Mistresses,” she warned of the constant battle in the local church of pastors seeking illicit sex from women in and outside the church. In her book, she pointed out that there are many women that intentionally hunt down pastors. Sitting in the front row to intentionally get the pastor’s attention, sexually, in no uncertain terms, is one of the main ploys of sexually immoral women. In one instance, Dr. Betty Price told of a story of a woman that went right into Dr. Fred Price’s office on pretense of receiving pastoral counseling, and straight up solicited him for sex. Because of Dr. Fred Price’s spiritual discipline, being strong in spirit, he resisted her temptations.
That’s why as a rule for me, I never counsel women, and I never counsel women alone. I’d rather lose them to another church and pastor than to risk any appearance of evil. Suit yourselves but I refuse to counsel women alone. Brothers, you are not that strong and you should never fool yourself.
Dr. Betty Price shared that those that successfully engage a weak willed pastor, were mesmerized by the “anointing” on a pastor’s life and Dr. Betty Price indicates that this is the one thing that attracts women to a pastor. After these women have sex with a single or married pastor that one time, that mesmerization departs.
They are no longer infatuated with that anointed man of God.
But as with all women, connection and then to disconnect, unless you are a harlot, is not that easy. Dr. Betty Price counseled several women, caught in the web of sexual sins to leave that preacher. And they do not. Churches are left with a house of harlots with the pastor as the head pimp.
In the book, “Betrayal Of Trust,” the introduction in the book speaks of a Brooklyn, NY pastor in Brooklyn Heights, in the late 1890’s was accused of adultery. The woman lost her husband and it’s been a she said he said kind of issue. After accusations when flying, and a church meeting, the church sided in with the pastor that nothing went on. They swept the issue under the rug. And this is the long standing policy of churches. That when someone is verifiably caught or if there is a hint of sexual immorality, the issue is swept under the rug. The pastor remains in the pulpit and everything is “hunky-dory.”
Getting back to the book, one of the most outstanding observations is that pastors that are caught in the act of adultery are either predators or wanderers.
A predator is one that sexually hunts for one woman after another. No different than a serial rapist. Then the wanderer is one that strays from his wife for a one night stand. But even as a wanderer, solicitation of multiple prostitutes is part of a wanderer until it enters sexual addiction level three where the criminal element heightens the orgasmic experience. That criminal element involves being a serial rapist to child porn, to child homosexuality.
But few look behind the scene and discover a pastor’s secret life of porn and masturbation.
In the above story by Charisma, it may be possible that Pastor Hunter may not have been involved in porn and masturbation. We do not have the facts regarding this. But we know that in most cases, acting out has a starting point. And it usually is porn and masturbation.
The Lord Jesus reveals Secret Sexual Sins when a man looks at a women to lust after her, that he committed adultery with her in his heart (see Matthew 5:27-28).
In Dr. Patrick Carnes’ cycle of addiction, it all begins with “thoughts or fantasies.” Then it goes to ritual. Then it goes to “acting out.” Then it goes to “remorse.”
I mentioned this because the top of sexual addiction begins with thoughts and fantasies. I will point out that not every one is sexually addicted.
Sexual addiction is the inability to control, manage, or stop yourself from sex or masturbation.
When you cannot stop looking at a woman sexually, it is lust and it is adultery. Job 31:1 says, “I have made covenant with my eyes, why would I look on a handmaiden?”
When a man cannot stop looking lustfully at a woman, this is where the core or root problem is (see James 1:14-15). The lack of discipline in this regard is 100% behind pastoral moral failure. It is indicative of a lack of intimacy in prayer with God. The late Dr. Ed Cole, the father of the modern day men’s movement with the Christian Men’s Network, said, “Prayer produces intimacy with God.”
E. M. Bounds said, “A prayerless pulpit begets a prayerless pew.”
Preachers can act out ministerial at the drop of a hat. You can’t fool your way through prayer.
It’s the same with singing for God, or being a music minister for God, or being a church secretary for a pastor.
He is not the first and he certainly won’t be the last. With immorality overrunning the church where the demonic LGBT agenda is being swallowed whole by sinning pastors, helping to cause the church to renounce the righteousness of God, the more pastors fail the standard, the argument from the world holds a form of truth.
We are hypocrites.
Finally, the wife and kids affected by the adulterous pastor. It is clear that betrayal on this level has brought embarrassment and confusion to his family. The wife in the moment loses her self esteem, dignity, and honor. It will take time to ask God for grace to get through the initial and long term affects of her husband’s foolish act of sexual pleasure.
The wife will experience the devil bringing a lot of questions to her mind. The devil with suggest to her that she is not as beautiful as the secretary or porn stars he’s been watching. The devil will suggest to her that her bedroom inadequacy and unavailability for sex was due to her increased workload was the cause. The devil will bring up past arguments that led to a husband’s cold shoulder.
And more things like God is not going to repair the marriage. That God doesn’t love her. And on and on. But this is the moment where whatever is brought to your mind, is to be refuted by the Word of God. She will need to confide in another woman of God, in a safe environment, that will objectively deal with her in a compassionate manner. The road to her healing is long and difficult. At this stage, it is recommended that difficult decisions be put off and just get through the moment of the infidelity with the grace and love of God.
The kids need to be told the truth, depending upon their ages. They must understand that what their daddy did was sin and that it wan’t in God’s plan. That sexual sin is of the devil. If at all possible, they need to be cared for while the process is ongoing. They must experience some semblance of normalcy as possible. Professional Christian help is available and should be sought as reasonably quick as possible.
It’s not the end and God’s grace can get you through the moments. Wives that experience this horrendous act must never place blame on themselves. They must get through the moment and allow God to work with them where they are.
Church. Let’s do a better job in our sanctification. Let’s get closer to God in prayer and obedience to the Word.
This does not have to be common.
It’s code for a pastor that had illicit sex with someone.
So let’s not trip out about the language of moral failure. Whether it’s a church secretary, a Jezebel, or he took advantage of an emotionally unstable woman, it is the most egregious act of a person of professional trust.
The sad thing is that in some churches, these things are covered up, and swept under the unholy carpet of church. To save a minister, his marriage, and his ministry is more important than discovering hidden secrets.
Psalm 90:9 says,
“You have set our iniquities before You, our secret sins in the light of Your countenance.”
Discovery of a pastor’s sins doesn’t occur after moral failure is declared. You have to go into the secret lives of men to find that moral failure occurred a long time before the incident.
It is there that we find his unbridled lusts, evil desires, and expedient life.
Few of us realize that the anointing covers a person’s flaws and failures so well. Preachers that sin sexually count on the fact that they are undetected. This is a work of deception that causes a pastor to be more daring and take further risks to satisfy sexual desires.
On the other side of this are vulnerable women that are not disciplined enough to refuse the sexual advances of her pastor. Some sexually immoral women are opportunists too. Others get caught up in the moment of unbridled lusts themselves. Holy pastors have to be very careful. Now whether sexually immoral women come on assignment or they are emotionally unstable, it is important to point out that men do take advantage.
In the book, Betrayal Of Trust, the sexually motivated male pastor is either a wanderer or a predator.
Today, there are more predators than wanderers. Even so, there are female predators that hunt passively. Pastors use their professional position to lure women to the bedroom. Power is sometimes irresistible and it’s important to separate the power from the person of power. All pastoral power is delegated. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. When a pastor exercises too much power over a person’s life, there is no question that sex is to be, and will eventually be demanded.
When you give a pastor too much control, or when a pastor is “headstrong,” they will make sexual demands. It’s a matter of time. But thank God for the wisdom of God and the exposing power of God.
Conversations that turn a different way other than the Word of God is bound to be consumed in the mind, entertained in the heart, and acted upon.
Bathsheba was a classic example.
We do not know what would have happened if she would have resisted David’s advances. In all actuality, she could have refused to come to the door. David sent men to fetch her. What if she would have ignored the knock on the door? Or what if she would have somehow sent a message to her husband on the battlefield? She obviously kept her pregnancy hidden. Urriah may have slept on his porch. But what held back Bathsheba from opening the door to explain to her husband what happened? There is not enough evidence to assume that she sexually led David on as she was bathing and we do not know how many times David observed her lustfully in his heart.
Nonetheless, the act of adultery was one worthy of the death of both Bathsheba and David.
Leviticus 20:10 says…..
“The man who commits adultery with another man’s wife, he who commits adultery with his neighbor’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress, shall surely be put to death.”
Yes. We didn’t think about that, did we?
Remember, David had five wives. There was no need for him to pursue another woman.
Moral failure/adultery/fornication has its origin in the private, hidden lives of men.
When a man fails to renew his mind, he will fill his mind with his lusts. In addition to his lusts, he will act out these lusts in self gratification, commonly called masturbation, or he will find a warm body.
The power of his thoughts compels him to lose judgment and seek a way to fulfill his fantasy. For the most part, most women know when pastors watch a woman, it’s a fault of the undisciplined pastor’s heart and mind.
Proverbs 6:23-25 says,
“For the commandment is a lamp, and the law a light; reproofs of instruction are the way of life, to keep you from the evil woman, from the flattering tongue of a seductress. Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, nor let her allure you with her eyelids.”
Prevention of moral failure begins with what is a pastor doing in his private moments.
If he is watching women, watching porn, and gratifying himself, or having self sex issues, this is where it all begins. The culmination of a moral failure is the act of adultery. When discovery of cheating on his wife or acting out sexually is now a known fact, it’s the tip of the iceberg. It’s the shallow ground. It’s the surface of something much bigger and deeper.
Solomon loved many women. According to 1 Kings 11:3, he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. 1000 women. Talk about sexual obsession. This was Solomon’s own version of porn.
Until you get to the heart of the problem, we will always seek to keep what really goes on, hidden and the problem will resurface many times over.
How to prevent moral failure?
Pastors that lead isolated lives are the most vulnerable. If he doesn’t have friends, he will live in sin. This is called accountability. Measurable accountability.
What is measurable accountability?
Effective accountability allows for the discovery of certain activities that are evident in the life of a person coming out of sexual addiction. Both, the person rendering an account and the person helping a person to be accountable allows a time to bring out of his heart what may be things that start a person down a path of sexual sins.
I believe that accountability must be without coercion, manipulation, and control. I also believe that accountability must be safe for a pastor. Too often, accountability brings fear but under the right conditions, healthy accountability with seasoned wisdom, should quell all fears.
When a pastor or any man is afraid to talk about the hidden parts of his life, he doesn’t want accountability to turn into a witch hunt. Sometimes this witch hunt chases a person away from accountability. Sometimes it’s not an indication that something is going on but chances are, it may very well be.
Pastors with Secret Sexual Sins are very good at concealing their hearts and mind though spiritual talk. Such spiritual talk is surface talk that never permits deeper questioning. Anger, bitterness, resentment, and other negative emotions are also used to prevent further questioning. Disappearing and running from places of accountability is another tactic of avoidance.
On the other hand, when a person is looking for someone, and it is constant, it’s best to leave the situation and not resume until they come out. And when they do, it is not the time to attack them and eat them alive. It is the time to let the person that is being held accountable to confess on his own. Otherwise, you will chase him away. One of the things that has to be done is that we must never let an accountability session turn into an “I got you, sucker” moment.
Moments have to be carefully picked so as not to chase them away. There may be times where nothing has to be said because they know it and you know it. Eventually, it will come out, if any thing. If nothing happened, just keep it moving. Even if the Spirit of God showed you. If they are in denial, it’s just a matter of time before conviction sets in. And even if they do not confess, we are not God. God uses every moment and opportunity to get a person to be right before Him and not before us.
Men that feel that you are fishing for dirt will run from places of accountability. However, there have to be tough questions asked. Especially when there is a avoidance issues. Or when there is questionable issues that are left unresolved.
When it comes to accountability, it should be a place where God and His Word is ministered in love. And the truth is always to be ministered in love. We must love a person enough to tell them the truth whether they want to hear it or not.
The purpose of discovery is to expose hidden trip wires and mechanisms that lead down a path where sin is easily engaged.
Self accountability never works. An isolated person cannot make up the rules of accountability. Therefore, pastors must seek independent verifiable people to help him through the process of accountability in a truthful, honest, manner.
Under the right conditions, moral failure can be prevented. Provided that the right rule and measure is in place.
“Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
The thing that must also happen is that after a season of watching them grow, unless they are a basket case, there comes a time where they have to put everything they’ve learned together. In other words, they need to be trusted. If you see that they are still wet behind the ears, they will need your accountability calls. But when they have put it all together, then they have to walk out their salvation.
Like James says, “We all stumble in many things…” but the key is to watch them enough to encourage them, coach them, help them along, and guide them enough. They have to get to the point where they have to walk on their own with little to no supervision. Until then, if they are not ready for the next step, they must willingly yield to accountability.
Most institutions and circles agree to two years of walking free of sexual addictions, same and opposite sex attractions from lust and all before ministering to others.
In looking at the man of the tombs, we do not know how long he stayed with Jesus but eventually Jesus had to cut him loose. And this is the part that we must be prepared to do. Cut them loose and let them go. Eventually, they have to walk. Sometimes holding them in a place may be detrimental to their ability to trust the Scriptures for themselves, but sooner or later, it must happen.
Moral failure is preventable. And we must do everything we can to make sure that we keep the devil out of our lives, marriages, and ministries.