Your Husband’s Or Boyfriend’s Porn Habits: Is There Any Hope?

I came across an article from Porn Harms regarding a girlfriend’s discovery of her boyfriend’s porn habits.

Several comments came that suggests that sex before marriage is no longer taboo but the norm. In fact, it’s expected that a boyfriend is given his girlfriend’s  virginity. 

The other comments pretty much demanded that the girlfriend dump”  him because of his sinful porn habit.

With the observance of porn exponentially increasing, should you dump him, there is a good chance that the next boyfriend you choose is doing the same thing. Or he has seen porn. Are they sex addicts? It all depends on the frequency.

An addiction is the inability to control, manage, or stop a habit.

Paul call it, “…Youthful lusts…”In other words, the young pursuing that which is forbidden.

When you are objectifying the body of a woman, the man’s mind becomes inundated and obsessed  with touching her. If he can’t touch her, images drives his sex drive towards releasing sexual tension. If he can’t touch her, he masturbates. 

Already in his mind, he is infatuated with her and seeks to release sexual tension.

Most boys use the excuse that since they do not want to impregnate you, he goes solo. But for the young, it’s just a matter of time before he puts pressure on the girlfriend to have sex. If she isn’t disciplined, she will give up what is most prized. Her virginity. At one time, it was considered a shame to fornicate.

Today it is normal and expected.

The suppressing of the shame is easily made and the sex is sinfully justified.

Being a harlot or a whore used to be enough for most women to abstain from making the mistake of sex before marriage. Now, it’s not a big deal.

In fact, according to the spirit operating in the sons of disobedience, it’s normal.

Sadly, abstaining is not the thing to do among the wicked and among those that profess to be righteous.

Whether it is girlfriend talk, locker room talk, Sunday School talk, or youth group talk, it is now taboo to admit that you are still a virgin.

Addiction to a sex act to fulfill his own sexual fantasies without the relationship is the name of the game with young boys. Your husband or boyfriend is not watching porn and then going to bed.

There is no question in my mind that he is participating in his mind and (to put it bluntly), feeling himself sexually. It’s called masturbation or solo sex. Billions of men throughout the world are occasional to chronic masturbators that started in the youth.

This habit may have started in his youth after being exposed to porn or substitute porn. The inquisitiveness leads to other areas readily accessible on the Internet. The Internet is the number one place where information travels faster than you think.

According to The Internet Filter Review, in one second, 28,258 persons will have click a sex site. In a revised figure, 2.8 billions persons, at the end of 24 hours will click onto a porn site.

Porn is a worldwide pandemic and it appears that there is no hope.

Many agree that porn is responsible for the destruction of many marriages.

It is clear that porn is a major part of the problem because porn models and the sex they are acting out is perfect. However, lust in the heart of man is responsible. The only thing that porn did was be made available to him as an accelerant. Lust is the fire and porn feeds fuel to that fire.

A dominating male and a sexually submissive female. It’s the kind of sex that he wants without being denied.

One comment was said that “give him the kind of sex he is looking for,” or words to that affect.

Mind you, the comment was given to try to prevent losing that boy as a boyfriend. It is clear that most married couples have a very difficult time expressing to each other the kind of mutual sex they are looking to have. And we must conclude that there is no guarantee that when you give a man the kind of sex he is watching on porn, that he will be satisfied.

This is a clear misnomer.

Granted, there are millions of partners that watch porn to “spice up” their sex life.

Let’s be clear about what the Bible says.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 tells us that fornicators will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Hebrews 13:4 tells us that God will judge adulterers and fornicators.

Revelation 21:8 tells us that the sexually immoral will have their part in the lake that burns with fire and brimstone.

There is no gray area. There is no room for error. There is no wiggle room. There is no exceptions.

Since God created man, God created the laws that govern man. Our death proves that accountability is required.

Hebrews 9:27 says, “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, after this the judgment.”

If death is true on one hand, judgment is true on the other.

Since no one escapes death. No one escapes judgment.

So as a girlfriend, let’s say that you know the Lord, and you’ve discovered that your boyfriend is into porn, the first disrespect is towards God. We all know that you may be hurt, but God was hurt first. As a believer, you must maintain God’s position on porn first.

Ezekiel 18:20 says “The soul who sins shall die.”

Your boyfriend has committed a serious sin that places him in jeopardy of losing eternal life with Christ.

Because the pleasure is just seemingly too much to give up, this is the least of his worries. But life does happen. Things can happen in a moment. A car accident. Heart attack. Sudden illness that leads to death. It doesn’t happen all the time, but you don’t want your number to come up.

Sadly, in life, everyone’s number will come up.

Listen to Ecclesiastes 8:8 “No one has power over the spirit to retain the spirit, and no one has power in the day of death. There is no release from that war, and wickedness will not deliver those who are given to it.”

If this is not enough, look at verse 11-13……..“Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.

Though a sinner does evil a hundred times, and his days are prolonged, yet I surely know that it will be well with those who fear God, who fear before Him. But it will not be well with the wicked; nor will he prolong his days, which are as a shadow, because he does not fear before God.”

So another reason why he continues in porn is because, up to this point, he wasn’t judged for it. What the Lord is doing is operating on grace, mercy, in hopes that he would turn from his wicked ways and repent. I’ve found that sometimes incremental consequential judgment isn’t enough for a man to turn from his sexual sins.

In defiance to God because the pleasure of ejaculation is too great for some men and women to give up, they continue on.

Look at Proverbs 22:3.

“A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished.”

John 3:19 says, And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.”

Then you have the expounding of Jesus of the parable of the sower in Luke 8:11-15.

“Now the parable is this: The seed is the word of God.

Those by the wayside are the ones who hear; then the devil comes and takes away the word out of their hearts, lest they should believe and be saved.

But the ones on the rock are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no root, who believe for a while and in time of temptation fall away.

Now the ones that fell among thorns are those who, when they have heard, go out and are choked with cares, riches, and pleasures of life, and bring no fruit to maturity.

But the ones that fell on the good ground are those who, having heard the word with a noble and good heart, keep it and bear fruit with patience.”

The pleasures of life is sexual immorality.

Then 2 Timothy 3:1-4 in portions “For men will be lovers of themselves…without self- control…headstrong, haughty (proud and lifted up in defiant pride), lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God.”

These are the things that a wife or a girlfriend will face.

What is she to do?

If it’s just a boyfriend situation, your options are wide open. If you confront him, expect him to be very defensive. Porn and masturbation is an idol on the level of Goliath. The strength of this demon is more than what people think. While porn and masturbation is no match for the power of God, the man must be willing to walk away from these things if he is going to be free.

Billions of men have sought to break free and the vast majority of them refuse to walk away because the pleasure, to them is too great to give up.

How did I break from this?

I wanted God more than me. I had to crucify daily my desires to have self pleasure. My love for God need to rise of my pleasure to please me by myself. A man must be willing to break his silence and secrecy. If he refuses to break his silence and secrecy, he will remain in bondage.

I had to look at who I was hurting.

Yes, my wife and family but who did I hurt first?

My Lord.

When you get a revelation of how hurt God was, you refuse to hurt Him like that ever again. This spills over into your wife and family. You do not ever want to see them in pain and agony. Masturbation is a form of selfishness. You are looking out for you. Your boyfriend or husband is looking out for himself to meet his needs without the affects of relational situations common in marriages.

If you choose to confront your husband or boyfriend, if you know the Lord, spend quality time in the Scriptures and prayer.

Get as many Christian resources to understand porn addiction and masturbation.

You must not blame yourself for his porn habit. Sure things could trigger things to where he walks away after a negative confrontation on an unrelated issue. But to assume blame for his lust is just the enemy placing guilt on the wrong person or on both person’s simultaneously.

Porn is perfect sin that attracts a male that is sexually out of control.

Even women that look beautiful and never did porn are intimidated by porn’s perfection.

Do not try to minister to him like you are the expert. The information provided in the resources are there to help you understand the dark world of porn and masturbation. If he is just your boyfriend, you haven’t learned to read him like you would read him as your husband. It takes time to understand his emotional make-up, mood changes, etc.

The world of sex is just a physical activity to him. He has yet to realize that it’s purpose is for bonding with one person, procreation, and pleasure between monogamous persons, male and female.

There is a danger that he will be silent for a long time because he was discovered to do that which he wanted to keep secret. To force him to talk will push him further away from you. He is defensive like a clam or turtle. In time, the clam will open up and the turtle will come out of its defensive shell.

Sadly, it will take a while, but if you are patient, the rewards are great.

Porn and masturbation is his idol. To give up something that he is worshipping is going to take countless hours of prayer and fasting. Find time to share with other women that has already gone down this path. Not every story has a happy ending because a man chooses to remain in bondage. God is not responsible when a man decides to remain in bondage.

God renders an account to no man.

It’s always man that has to render an account to God.

But there are happy endings that do happen.

God was not caught off guard with this. He wasn’t surprised.

So there is still hope for your husband’s or boyfriends complete deliverance.

“With God all things are possible.”

The devil has never been known to win. Sin never wins.

Just know that the Lord is with you in your trouble.

Each situation is different, so be prepared for everything.

Being Honest And Open About Porn And Masturbation

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It takes courage to be open about your sexuality. It takes even more courage to be open about porn and masturbation.

Men tend to be more secretive because lust in the heart is a pleasure of this life he wants few people to know about.

The way people perceive him is important. Anything that emits an evil, unsavory scent will put him in a category of the sexually deviant. It hurts to know that somebody knows that you are a pervert.

Sins of the flesh is a pleasure that God forbids. Within the framework of marriage, a man can enjoy sex. This is the boundary that the Lord set to save a man from the underworld of departed sinful spirits. But man loves to deviate in secrecy to have pleasure on the side.

To indulge at your own peril is not good.

In fact, the Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”

How does a man become honest and open about porn and masturbation?

In looking at the life of David, when he lusted in his heart for the wife of Uriah the Hittite, named Bathsheba, we can see that secrecy in the heart of David was at play here (see 2 Samuel 11). David was a man after God’s own heart that would do all His will, the Bible tells us. But lust or coveting your neighbor’s wife was in David’s heart.

While we could speculate, such speculation is preponderance. It is more likely than not that David had Secret Sexual Sins evident in his life.

Notice Psalm 32:1-5, A Psalm of David.

“Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.
When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.

For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer.
Selah

I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.
Selah

While David never said masturbation. let’s be honest about it.

When men come to church service after a night of porn and masturbation, we are never quick to articulate specifically these sins when we ask for the Lord’s forgiveness. This is a common act of men in sexual sins. We avoid the shame of saying specifically what these sins are because it is shameful. Shameful in the fact that we have stooped low from the normalcy of male sexuality into the depths of perversion.

So we try to cover what we’ve done by using words that mask what we are really asking God to do.

To forgive our porn and masturbation habits.

If we were really honest, we know that after we believe in our hearts that the Lord forgave us, we are quick to return to make preparation to sexually sin again. If we were really honest, we would see that we have developed a pattern of deceiving ourselves, over and over again.

We want the Lord but we want to have the pleasures of this life at the same time.

We men fall into the common patterns of male sexuality. According to Dr. William Struthers, from his book on “Wired For Intimacy,” we see that it is common for a man to be attracted to the opposite sex. But it is sinful to take attraction to the level of lust.

According to Dr. Struthers, “porn hijacks the brain.”

We lust after that image to have sex with something that is just an image. So we act out sexually by ourselves to climax as if we have had sex with her. In the soul and spirit, we’ve made an attempt to become one with that person and we haven’t even touched her.

But according to the Lord Jesus, we have.

Matthew 5:27-30  “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.”

The sole purpose of porn is to fuel the perverted passion of lust in the heart for her. Again, notice that the Lord uses two anatomies of man.

The right eye and the right hand.

We all know that with the eyes, we are stimulated but we also want the penis to be sexually stimulated. So we touch ourselves sexually. I don’t know about you, but not only does this include looking at another woman to lust after her and then use our hands to touch her, I believe that Jesus includes masturbation.

Have you ever thought about the fact that Jesus never touched Himself sexually, to masturbate?

Hebrews 4:15 and 2 Corinthians 5:21 is proof of this.

Besides, if Jesus sinned sexually, God would not have been able to place the sins of the whole world upon Him because if you sin just once, in only one area, you are guilty of all sins according to James 2:10.

Again, there is no specific Scripture that prohibits masturbation. In other words, “Thou shalt not masturbate.”

However, there is no Scripture that gives us permission to masturbate.

Just because the Bible is silent in this area, it doesn’t imply permission. And just because the Bible says that where there is no law against masturbation, there is no sin. It doesn’t mean that you have the right to engage. Many proponents of masturbation will argue until they are blue in the face, but the one thing that they will never be able to do is walk away with a clear conscience.

Because if you still have to ask yourself if masturbation is a sin, then just the question alone condemns your heart. Many walk away suppressing the truth in pride and arrogance.

Here is the reason why the answer of “no masturbation” is clear.

God confined sex within the institution of marriage.

Thus, any extracurricular sex is prohibited.

Many man that struggle in the area of porn and masturbation will be trigger quick (like me) to shoot down any attempt to stop masturbation because it is the only pleasure a man enjoys in the privacy of his world of lust. To have that woman without touching her is a pleasure that some men cannot do without.

For a few reasons.

1. No commitment. Just sex.

2. No pregnancy. Just sex.

3. No relationship. Just sex.

4. No STDs. Just sex.

After you’re done (ejaculation), you move on to the next fantasy woman.

Honestly, masturbation is more about you than that image. Gratifying yourself.

It’s only when we Come Clean about our porn and masturbation habits that the power of God can come to help us begin the process of getting clean in His presence.

As I have said, it takes mustering up the inner strength to be courageous about what is happening in us, spirit, soul, and body. As long as we pursue sexual immorality in secrecy, the further it will take us into darker places. We dare to go deeper into darkness because that is the nature of the devil. To take us straight into the depths of his darkness, which only leads us to ultimate outer darkness. Where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth, where the worm dies not, and the smoke of our torment rises forever.

That’s the result of all sexual sins according to Revelation 21:8.

This is a good deterrent but man believes that the pleasure of fulfilling the lusts of the flesh exceeds the consequences. Man deceives himself into thinking that God overlooks this, and we know that He doesn’t. Otherwise we would not be looking out the window to see if we are going to be judged.

But when we sin, the consequences will manifest. It’s inevitable. It’s an unavoidable reality.

Take the time to seek God and muster up the courage to deal with what is going on in you. The Lord desires you to be free. The prison doors are open. They’ve been open since the resurrection of Jesus. Every man can walk free without being charged. So long as we repent, turn from our wicked ways, seek His face, and walk away from porn and masturbation forever.

Be open and honest about it.

Unmistakable Signs That Your Husband Is Watching Porn

There are unmistakable signs that your husband is watching porn.

Over the life of a relationship, you will have seen some things and behaviors that you’ve ignored or sup[pressed.

But now these signs have noticeably intensified.

It’s not necessarily in a specified order.

Sign number 1Secrets

Psalm 90:8 says “You have set our iniquities before You, Our secret sins in the light of Your countenance.” 

The Amplified Bible of this verse says “Our iniquities, our secret heart and its sins [which we would so like to conceal even from ourselves], You have set in the [revealing] light of Your countenance.”

A man must keep a secret when he is discreetly watching porn.

Why?

Because it is part of the game and it is embarrassing to him.

Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-28 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Whether it is physical adultery or sight adultery, the shame is the same.

For some reason, you’ve suspected something and you begin to inquire. The answers that he gives to you is defensive and evasive.

Immediately, he shifts the subject to avoid further questioning, or he is infuriated that you caught him. The questioning is an inquisition or an intense exhaustive investigation. To get the answer, a woman will put the pressure on her husband until she gets a satisfactory answer.

For men, sex is like a sport or a game. The seduction and being seduced is a game. The objectification of a woman is also part of the game. He is thinking in his mind how he would have sex with her.

To fulfill this false fantasy, he often masturbates unless he takes it to another level.

Prostitutes or having a short or long term adultery.

Sign Number 2No sex with the wife.

It’s been a few days and he hasn’t touched you.

There is only one Scripture in the Bible that permits husbands and wives to abstain from sex for a season.

1 Corinthians 7:5 says “Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self- control.”

So far, you know that your husband is not in deep prayer and fasting, so what’s up?

It’s very common for illness or injuries to take place, but you’ve noticed that he is healthy as an ox. So what’s the deal?

It’s possible that he may be exhausted from the day’s work. Or is he exhausted from masturbation?

ED or erectile dysfunction is common among men that are between the ages of 45 and 60 which requires medicinal intervention or he may need to lose a few pounds and exercise.

Sign number 3 – Watching other women.

Every now and then, you catch him looking a long time at other women. You’ve ignored it because you did not want to confront him for peace’ sake. However, there is a difference between being a peacemaker and a peacekeeper. Peacemakers are blessed according to Jesus. Peacekeepers are armed to keep both parties apart by force, if necessary.

Proverbs 27:20 says “Hell and destruction are never full, so the eyes of a man are never satisfied.”

One by one, your husbands keeps looking at other women. Sometimes he even opens his mouth to tell you about how well they dress and look. But he never gave you a compliment.

The shows that he watches on TV, Cable, Internet, or Satellite. They are overly sexy with sex scenes. You go to the movies or sports arenas with him and his eyes go to searching for female flesh to lust after.

When your husband watch sports on TV, he watches the “sexy commercials” or the half time show on Super Bowl Sunday to check out the cheerleaders, female dancers, and singing artists that heavily seduce men.

You make nothing of it, but that’s what he lives for.

Deliberate straying eyes is a dead give away.

Should you confront him, he will be defensive. He will behave for a moment and then resume. The periphery of the eyes is equally damaging to the mind of a man.

He will do anything to get a look. Like using the reflection of the window to lustfully look at a woman. The mirrors in department stores. The magazine section in the grocery stores and at the checkout counter.

The morning and evening news shows and weather women, scantily clad, dressed for the night life.

All of these things are serious signals that he is engaged in some objectification of women.

Finally Sign number 4Your husband ignores you.

When a man is sexually distracted with hundreds of sexual images in his mind, he is not going to pay attention to you.

You can’t have a decent conversation with him because he is having a conversation in his mind with hundreds of women that he filed sexually in his soul. You press him to talk to you and he clams up, avoids you, and goes to another part of the house or apartment to get away from you. He locks the door so you would not interrupt his porn and masturbation.

This may go on for weeks or months.

Some wives will confront this issue and others will be passive.

If your husband is a follower of Jesus, he is already convicted, but he has learned how to suppress this conviction to continue in sin. For the wife that is a believer, she must ask the Lord for wisdom. It’s already a volatile situation. He is already on edge. In fact, for the child of God, you are already on edge yourself. You have questions in your mind as to whether you are to blame for your husband’s porn issue.

The home environment may have contributed to his delving into porn, but if you dig deeper, this issue took place in his youth. As a male, he has crossed lines he intended to cross a long time ago. It just so happens that in the marriage, he decided to open the cork and let it all spill out.

He never sought the Lord for guidance, wisdom, and help. Perhaps, his pastor never addressed the issue to help him.

With all of these and other scenarios, what matters now is what are you to do now?

What is a wife to do?

Pray, pray, pray.

Paul said in Romans 8:26 “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

When you do not know what to pray for as you ought to know, this is where the Holy Spirit comes in to give you the assistance you need to get the job of getting your husband’s deliverance done.

When it comes to the sins of man, the Lord is never caught off guard.

Jeremiah 17:9-10
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; Who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings.”

Many wives do not know how to pray or what to pray. This is where you need to find a few women that know how to pray along these lines.

James 5:16 says “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.

Find faithful women that you could trust and confide in. Gather with them to study the Word of God to find solutions from God’s perspective.

Also there is tremendous material and books on how to deal with your husband’s porn addiction habits.

Millions of women are looking for quick solutions to this debilitating issue. However, you should settle in for the long haul. The devil is going to fight you tooth and nail. The husband will listen to the devil quicker than to God. Porn addiction is no different than drug and alcohol addiction. And these addictions are interconnected. Be prepared to see the worst before the resolution manifests. But know that God is not intimidated by the worst.

You must remember that sexual immorality is the devil’s top stronghold in the world.

“The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life is not of the Father but is of the world….”

Usually when the worst manifests, it’s an indication that it’s about to be resolved. Then again, sometimes the worst happens and the man is swept away in the flood of Secret and Overt Sexual Sins. But one thing is certain. God hears and answers prayer no matter how deeply involved your husband is in porn.

Deliverance is just a prayer and an answer from God away.

When confronting your husband, ask him to see the pastor or someone that has experience in this area. Sadly, there are very few pastors that are well versed in handing porn and masturbation addiction. However, the Lord is not going to leave you or forsake you. The Lord will steer you to the right resources and the right kind of help to get you through this crisis.

But for now, pay attention to these signs. Never give up. The devil lost when he attempted to attack God in heaven. What makes us think that the devil will win in this battle? Never let the devil get into your mind that you are going to lose your husband to pornography and masturbation.

Your marriage can be restored.

It’s a stronghold, but it is not stronger than our God.

Stronghold’s purpose is to prevent the inhabitants from being destroyed. But God knows where the weak spots in the stronghold are. NO demonic stronghold is impenetrable.

Do not wait to confront your husband. Do not wait to get help.

The longer you wait to confront this issue, the more enhanced the stronghold becomes. However, just because a stronghold gets stronger, it is never stronger than our God.

 

 

The Pink Cross Foundation – Porn And Pancakes – A Serious Dilemma

Back in 2008, by the grace of God, the Word of the Lord came to me. The Holy Spirit spoke to me while in the middle of watching porn and masturbating these Words.

“Is this what you do to Me after all the good I’ve done for you?”

It was then that I was done with porn.

I was going to make this short but that is not the case.

I searched for help on the Internet and came across many sites. Pastor Roger Jamison, pastor of Sword of the Spirit Tabernacle in Brooklyn, NY steered me to some sites where I could get additional help on porn addiction.

“The Pink Cross Foundation” headed by former porn star Shelley Lubben was not one of those sites, but I happened upon that site and it gave me additional information about what went on behind the set of porn shoots.

She testified before Congress and other places about her participation in the porn industry. She shared passionately about women being abused sexually and really laid it on the table what was done behind the scenes of pornography. It was clear in my mind that she struck a cord with many about the things done on the set.

As some of you know, women would travel miles to California to star in movies. When they do not make it, some of them resort to class B movies, porn, strip clubs, escort services, and prostitution to make money and some how get noticed. But to no avail, many of them get trapped in doing porn and never make it.

I understand that porn is a very dangerous, dirty place where drugs and alcohol would be available on the set to help the women cope with the rape and abuse that men and other women would do to unsuspecting aspiring actresses. Some of them never make it past the first day because the abuse would be devastating, and they would never return. To make things worse, there would always be the fear of contracting STDs, including HIV/AIDS. A few have even committed suicide because the shame, stigmatization, being diagnosed with STDs, loneliness, hopelessness, and other emotionally traumatic events would be too much for them to bear.

The Pink Cross Foundation is a site that attempts to reveal what really goes on in porn, however, as helpful as some of the information is, some of the pictures and stories are a bit over the top.

In other words, the pictures displayed on The Pink Cross Foundation are racy.

Even I had to refrain from looking at that site because it is sexually provocative and obviously explicit.

This is not to say that these stories are not true, or juiced up to gain more attention. It is to say that when a man goes to this, or similar sites, it’s almost like looking at porn all over again. Many will argue that it’s not the site that’s the problem. It’s the man with unbridled lust in his heart and mind.

That’s partly true and many will disagree, but the problem is twofold.

ONE: According to Dr. William Struthers “porn hijacks the brain.” 

He shared that when a man looks at porn and masturbates, he is pretending to have sex with the person. While a man doesn’t need porn to masturbate, his mind goes through a ritual of search and discovery, meditation or fantasy, and then he engages. Sometimes one picture could set him into search mode and then he “locks in” on what he wants sexually, to act out sexually.

The photos on The Pink Cross Foundation could be one of these pictures that would set a man off sexually. Just like a supermarket magazine stand. A woman on a street corner, a movie with soft porn sex scenes, a man could be sexually influenced to pursue porn and masturbation.

Porn is the fuel or accelerant of the sexual immorality world. No man watches porn and doesn’t act out sexually in masturbation, adultery, fornication, bisexuality, or homosexuality.

The lust in a man’s heart is what must be addressed. It is addressed on the cross. Jesus died for our sins to set us free from sin but also to appease the wrath of God. The wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all unrighteousness. Jesus paid that penalty because God pour upon Jesus, His wrath.

Therefore, because of Jesus, when we repent and turn from our wicked ways, we, by the help of the Holy Spirit are capable of walking in obedience to the Word of God to abstain from the very appearance of evil.

The power and guilt of sin was removed. In the presence of sin, we walk in obedience to His Word to never let sin have dominion over us. It’s a work of His grace not to continue in sin, but to live free of it.

It is true that man needs to be more disciplined to ignore what a woman is wearing, however, some women wear certain clothing to be sexually noticed. Sexually immoral women will make a calculated maneuver to attract male attention.

That one moment of flirt, to her, is her power over man.

I’ve said all this to agree with EX Ministries that “The Pink Cross Foundation’s intent, yet, as long as the gospel is absent, is undoubtedly involved in the transmission of sexually provocative material.

Please observe this YouTube for consideration.

http://youtu.be/TLXxDnuLdzs

TWO: When we were involved in porn, we men would sometimes read “Forum,” “Hustler,” “Playboy,” and other sexually explicit reading material. There would be racy stories that would get our “engines” running. There is some material that lead men back into the world of porn. For those of us that were delivered, we are on the lookout for anything that would tease us to go back and “investigate.”

Even on FB, there are female pictures that stimulates the minds of men to investigate.

The face, the hair, the clothing, the position, the smile.

Men are easily seduced. On FB or other social medias, all it takes is a captivating look and a man is easily swayed to look lustfully at a woman.

“Hell and destruction are never full, so the eyes of a man are never satisfied.” Proverbs 27:20

Any website that uncovers the underworld of porn that is absent of the gospel of Jesus Christ is just another substitute porn site.

It is a very strong statement but here is the reason.

“…the gospel of Christ…..is the power of God unto salvation….” 

This is the cut up version of Romans 1:16.

Women that explain the dangers, perils, documented stories of the sufferings of women in porn are to be commended, however, when it fails to point people back to the cross of Christ, it is very troubling.

EX Ministries with G. Craige Lewis and Tetaun Moffett has done a remarkable job in pointing out the fact that the gospel of Jesus Christ is central to a man’s deliverance. And that this gospel is absent from The Pink Cross Foundation. I fully understand that the intent of The Pink Cross Foundation is to reveal the dark side of porn so that men and women that deliberately watch porn would be shocked to the degree that we would never watch another women get harmed. However, the gospel must be at the top of the list. Man is incapable of delivering man from sin. If we were capable, the death of Jesus wouldn’t have been necessary.

We all know that women are victims.

Then again, there are some that do not know.

We get it.

However, when we point to ourselves without pointing to Jesus, we make things complicated. Complicated?

We say that they are doing a good work of exposing the dark works, but do we do an equally good job at pointing to the Only One that can fully and completely deliver? The Scriptures tell us that “He saves to the uttermost.”

I also understand that it takes courage beyond courage to address sexual immorality, but we must point to the Savior to ensure that He gets the full credit and not make it about ourselves.

Years ago, I tried to do the same thing. I made “Come Clean” about ME and MY deliverance and it failed miserably. I was selfish!

Why?

I wanted disciples to follow me.

God has no rivals. He alone saves. He alone gets ALL the glory.

Yes, God uses us but we turn it all to God and keep none for ourselves.

God had to destroy the work of my hands so that the work of His hands would emerge. Anything that man does, apart from the Lord, is a work that must be destroyed because God is God, and no one shares His glory. He has no rivals. Every rival failed, and every rival must fail.

At the same time or more so, what must be paramount is a pointing back to the gospel as the “…power of God unto salvation.”

Without the power of God to save, deliver, and set free men and women that are held captive, we invite men to return to the vomit from whence they came.

Having said this, I would strongly urge a change in our approach to deal with porn.

1. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the only way to deal with sin.

While it is important to sound the alarm about women as victims, when the gospel is absent, deliverance must be absent. God’s terms isn’t negotiable.

2. Throw away the gimmicks of men.

Men are deliberately evasive.

Paul said, “And my speech and my preaching were without enticing words of men’s wisdom…” and “We have renounced the hidden things of shame, not walking in craftiness nor handling the word of God deceitfully.”

The world and some church circles loves its gimmicks.

EX Ministries mentioned “Porn and Pancakes.” The subject of porn is a very avoidable subject when it comes to menI know that men will not come to a meeting when it’s just about porn. Pancakes is a gimmick. But at the end of the day, will it be pancakes that deliver, or the power of the gospel as a person repents? While the Bible has a history of God using items to attract men, (burning bush – Jesus and divine healing, casting out devils, etc.), ultimately, we must understand that the Spirit of God always speaks before God uses an item to attract.

When Jesus preached His first major address, He didn’t have pancakes.

“But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

There were no pancakes served that day.

Jesus pointed out the origin of porn. Lust in a man’s heart.

But we do not need to use gimmicks to try to pull men to talk about this subject.

Just the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Nothing more.

 

 

Discovering Your Christian Husband’s Porn Addiction; Discovering Her Chat Room Habits

One of the worst discoveries that a wife could make is her husband’s porn addiction. Perhaps, the worst is her husband’s infidelity.

A few years ago, according to 1600 attorney’s that practice divorce law in California, 50% of all divorce cases involved a husband’s porn addiction.

But here is something else that is just as disturbing.

A wife’s chat room addiction that leads to acting out sexually on a video camera or setting up a rendezvous for a romp in the sack.

In one case, a married woman began chatting with a married man. Turns out that he lived right down the street. I saw this on the OWN network, (Oprah Winfrey Network) and that’s because she was dissatisfied with her husband. She needed that extra boost of another man and she crossed the line.

What’s sad is that a husband’s porn addiction is viewed by some women as the lowest form of betrayal, and it is. There are other women that do not mind porn, and furthermore, they watch with their husbands or boyfriends they fornicate with.

In any case, when discovery is made…..what do you do?

The first thing that comes to mind is understanding your husband’s or wife’s secrecy.

Secret means “not known or seen or not meant to be known or seen by others.”

As long as it remains a secret, the activity continues. But what we are finding in some places is that when the secret is out, because of the love for sexual sins, some men and women will continue because they believe in their hearts that they cannot do without it.

For quite some time, you’ve noticed certain signs.

Spending unusual hours on the Internet, on the job, doing “overtime,” disappearing during unusual times of the day. Catching wandering eyes. Reading certain articles and magazines with sex themes. Viagra. Condoms. All of these and other things are indications that something is going on. Unusual calls on the house phone caller ID. Your husband’s inattention to you and your sex needs.

Such inattention is determined by what may have taken place in the home that caused him to disengage in the normal course of the relationship.

Sadly, pastors are notorious for paying attention to the needs of other women while ignoring the needs of his wife.

Ministry is a minefield for a pastor’s marriage.

Long periods of silence and loneliness may not mean much, but it’s an undeniable starting point. When your husband or spouse is constantly angry at you for no reason. When a wife lashes out in anger because she hasn’t had sex in days, weeks, or months.

As with porn observed by men or women, it is undeniably connected to some form of acting out sexually. Whether it be solo sex, commonly called masturbation, sex toys, prostitution, adultery, or fornication. For a woman, it’s about satisfying her connection needs which will involve her giving up her body to satisfy that need.

The adrenaline of pursuing an outside relationship adds to the excitement that was lacking in a marriage but it is dead wrong.

Exploring other “options” violates the Word of God.

Notice what Isaiah said in chapter 1 and verse 18

“Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the Lord,
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool.”

Even the Lord will reason with man. But look at what He said.

“Though YOUR sins…..”

In any relationship, there is error. However, there is also a way to resolve that error.

The love of God will always speak the truth. What we are not willing to do is admit that we are wrong. We circle the issue with issues that detract from the truth. So much so that resolution becomes something that seems unachievable.

How could we resolve a resolvable issue?

It is called the love of God.

Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, from the New Living Translation…..

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way.

It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”

What leads to porn and chat rooms is lust in the heart of men and women.

Lust is the demand to have what is forbidden.

This demand comes straight out of the Garden of Eden. The devil preached another word and Eve believed it.

Eve had lust in her heart. She just needed an excuse to justify her pursuit of lust in her heart. This lust, if not arrested and killed, will deceive you to justify deliberate ignorance of the known Word of God, and defiance of her husband. After she had a conversation with the serpent, the devil in the serpent deceived her, but at anytime, she could have walked in the opposite direction and ignored what the devil said. But lust was in her heart and then she proceeded to act on that lust. When she saw that the tree was desirable, she took of the tree and ate.

Nothing happened.

She gave to Adam and Adam ate.

Then their eyes were opened.

The command that the Lord gave Adam, and Adam gave to Eve, required team work, vigilance, and courage in order for them to stay alive. They both failed to watch each other’s back and they ended up counting the days of life they had left. Lust is what drives the sin sick soul.

Discovery of porn or salacious chat room activity is a lust issue that requires the couple to diligently apply the Word of God in order for lust to be completely broken.

The breach in the marriage is always preceded by a breach in the relationship with the Lord.

What we are discovering, and it was evident in my own life, is that when you get to the point of loving your sin more than you love God, there is no sin too dark that you won’t do unless you return to the Lord. We have used psychological explanations, spiritual counseling explanations, and do not get me wrong. They are good as long as the Word is central. However, the Bible identifies the issue.

Acting on the lust in the heart.

So when you discover your husband’s porn issue or if the husband discovers his wife’s salacious chat room activity, just understand that lust is at the root of the sin. Do not act out in anger. To exasperate the issue, even when you believe you are justified may not be good. Use good judgment. If you feel you need to address the issue, you have every right to do so. A breach in the relationship occurred. At the same time, it may be wise to pray (there is no length of time to spend in prayer, use your judgment), read the Word of God, particularly the Psalms, and then address the issue.

Get wise counsel. To have a friend to discuss this with is good but you have to believe that your friend could be trusted. You can’t utter or release all that is in your mind when it comes to discovery of your spouse’s salacious activity. Years ago, there wasn’t that much information about porn and salacious chat room activities. Now, there’s a wealth of information that you could glean from to help you deal with the discovery.

You are not alone.

Millions of families have gone through discovery.

I must reemphasize that the sin is wrong and you should not put undue blame on yourself. It is best to take responsibility when it is determined that, without a doubt, there was some contribution. But even if there was some measure of contribution, the bottom line is that lust was already in his or her heart.

From there, it is how you deal with it that will determine the recovery or destruction of the family nucleus.

EX PORN: How Pastors Can Break Free Of Pornography

You can walk out of that prison door and drop those loosed chains any time you are ready, pastor.

Jesus said, “He whom the Son sets free is free indeed.” “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”

There are many pastors, ministers, music ministers, and musicians that are needlessly and unnecessarily caught in the world of porn. Some of them are on the verge of going deeper into acting out their sex fantasies. When I mean going deeper, there are levels and lines to cross. For the world of fantasy is not enough. There comes a point when a person desires to be what they see. The devil will accommodate.

You do not have to take things to the next level.

A man decided he wanted to take things to the next level after being bored with the world of fantasy sex. He called an underage teen for a meeting to have sex. She told him where to meet. At a diner. A friend called and told him about meeting an underage teen for sex in the same diner. So he said to himself that he wanted to sit in his car and watch his friend meet up with this girl. His friend came and the girl came to the vehicle. As soon as words and money were exchanged, the police lights flashed and cop cars surrounded his friend’s vehicle.

The man that observed this realized that it could have been him. He drove off very slowly as his friend was apprehended for soliciting a minor.

The Lord understands what you need and He will deliver, you just need to give Him a chance.

After watching a former homosexual tell her story, she ended the testimony by saying, “I gave drugs a chance, I gave alcohol a chance, I gave sex a chance. When will we give Jesus a chance?”

After sharing the Word of God at Prevailing Word Ministries, the Lord showed me something that He was doing in me. Many of us want that explosive deliverance. Others are in search for a quiet deliverance where no one knows what happened in our past. Regardless of the kind of end result we are seeking, the Lord said this to me.

“When you called for deliverance, I delivered you and when the temptation came, I was there. Except that when you called, it felt like no one was there.” I almost said, “WHY!!!” Then the Lord said, “I was waiting for your obedience.”

The silence hurt but the Lord was teaching me that my obedience must be for real and not a game. That once I felt that I have His approval, He would say yes. But He knows me.

“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can know it?” Jeremiah 17:9

Yes, even for a preacher that knows the Word of God, the mind can easily suppress the Word to engage in sin. Yes, the mind can still operate as an unregenerate, un-renewed mind. Yes, the heart can still be deceitful and desperately wicked. And, no, we do not have two natures. The Holy Spirit, by way of the new birth, delivered us from the old demonic nature. The mind still need to be renewed and the body, our mortal or death doomed flesh still need to be disciplined.

Just read 1 John chapters 1, 2, 3, and 4.

When you make the initial decision to walk away from pornography, the grace of God to do so is there. However, the Lord knows when you are serious.

For instance, when I had finished viewing porn and masturbated, I felt the remorse set in that I’ve have sinned against God but I wasn’t really serious about repentance. For some of us, and I’m speaking for myself out of experience, I would resume the same night to watch and masturbate over and over again.

I wasn’t serious about repentance from sin.

I quickly recovered” and started the lust process all over again.

You see, it’s always the same. We get to a point where the remorse overwhelms us and then we recover after the guilt. We quickly suppress the conviction of the Holy Spirit and we suppress the Word of God to engage in more false satisfaction.

This is what keeps us in the game of false intimacy.

Once a person get to a place where they want out of this vicious cycles, patterns, and habits, it will take a while to retrain the mind, thoughts, hand and sexual organs to discipline ourselves to recover to live God ordained, naturally healthy sex lives.

Do not misunderstand me. The moment you make a quality irreversible decision to lean on the grace of God to break habits, patterns, and cycles, the Lord will work with you to get you into walking, long term, in the sexual discipline of Jesus. With married men, it is different because Jesus was never married. However, the discipline is the same. After sex we just wait to have sex with our wives.

Proverbs 5:15-19 says,

Drink water from your own cistern,
And running water from your own well.
Should your fountains be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
Let them be only your own,
And not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
And always be enraptured with her love.

Sexually active singles will have a tough go at it because they have to endure no sex until they are married. Which is all the more reason to “find a wife.” As a single man, with more choices than to shake a stick at, all you have to do is re-establish holiness in the fear of God, walk in the Word of God, abstain from all forms of evil and commit to no sex until you are married.

For husbands, it’s more of a challenge because the images embedded in the mind obscures the beauty that a wife has. Porn has a way of deceiving you into thinking that your wife is not as perfect in bed or in looks. The mind has to be renewed to understand that beauty is a fleeting thing.

Therefore, you need to “cut off” certain things that impede your mind from thinking straight.

You have to be willing to turn off the television, ipad, iphone and other devices that give you access to viewing things that should not be viewed. You will have to avoid newspapers, magazines, books, and other material that definitely possess sexually explicit material. This includes the supermarket magazine stands and counters.

As Dr. Mark Laaser notes, you have to regain sexual sobriety.

It is difficult these days because of what is out there as far as scantily clad women and women wearing exercise clothing. However, the more you desire to please the Lord, obey His Word, and make a covenant with your eyes, sexual sobriety is achievable in a sexualized world.

To break free and to remain free is all about the decisions you make. It’s about obedience to the Word of God in not so convenient moments.

So here is what you need to do.

1. Cut Off Things That You Know That Will Drive You To Self Sex.

It is always the objectification of women that is trained in the mind of a man. The majority of commercials cannot sell items on straight themed commercials. So a pretty face and a body to go with it will sell the item, but behind all this is the spirit of lust. Because you know that you do not have the money to buy that item, so the devil leaves something for you to remember. A hot woman.

It’s the same with newscasters. Women doing weather as they strut themselves with feminine power. The movie theaters where the trailer shows their power and captures the unsuspecting male in a moment of heated passion. TV shows and DVD’s. No matter what, if you are not careful, you are going to take things to the next level. You will go to soft porn and then hard porn. You have to cut it off and pluck your eye out.”

As Mike Cleveland said, of Setting Captives Free, Radical Amputation.”

Paul said that we are to put to “death the deeds of the flesh.”

The writer of Hebrews said that “We have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin.”

The writer is telling us that we have not reached the point where we deliberately shed our own blood to keep ourselves from sinning.

This is equivalent to what the Lord Jesus said when we need to “cut off the right hand and cast it away from us…or pluck out our right eye if it causes us to sin and cast it away from us.”

This radical amputation requires that we look at what has been tripping us up and cut it off. It goes beyond saying “NO!!!!”

It means that we are willing to do whatever it takes to keep ourselves from sinning.

From removing the TV from our homes, to cutting off satellite and cable service. From throwing away our laptops, iPads, and phones, to spending more time in the Word of God. From discontinuing buying and reading magazines and newspapers, to going to different grocery stores where the magazine rack is not the place to hang out.

From having an accountability partner to sitting in a group of men to hold you accountable.

What are you willing to do to break free, pastor?

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